- [audience applauding] - [♪ theme music playing]
[James laughs]
Hello. Good evening,
and welcome to How to Stay Married with me, James Vereker.
And over here, the woman lucky enough to call herself my better half,
my wife, Lizzie.
Thank you, darling. Hello.
Now, a wise man once said, "Marriage isn't a battlefield, it's a partnership,
and married people should be comrades, not rivals."
[Lizzie] Though that's sometimes easier said than done.
[James] How do you stay connected after 20 years of children, careers, everything?
[sniffles]
[Lizzie] How do you keep each other interested over dinner
or in the bedroom when the honeymoon period comes to an end?
We'll be chatting to a range of celebrity and ordinary couples to ask,
"How do they make it work for them?"
And we'll find out if the grass really is greener on the other side of the fence.
[grunts]
[Lizzie] We'll be quizzing the experts on how to keep a marriage fresh
without seeking excitement elsewhere.
[James] We'll discuss how to deal with the pain if one of you breaks the rules.
[Lizzie] And how to keep your feet on the ground
when you're thinking about walking away.
- [both grunting, moaning] - [phone rings]
[both laugh]
[grunting]
- [machine beeps] - [Cameron] This is Cameron Cook.
- Leave a message. - [line beeps]
[handset settles in cradle]
Gosh, it's a lot to get through, isn't it?
Well, we did say, "Till death do us part".
- Mmm. So, stay tuned. - And stay married.
Hmm.
[♪ opera music playing]
[♪ "Jump (For My Love)" playing]
[Rupert, on megaphone] Good afternoon.
This is Rupert Campbell-Black, MP for Chalford and Bisley,
- reminding you to vote Conservative. - [horn honks]
- Keep the Cotswolds blue. - [Taggie laughs]
- Hi! [laughs] - [horn honks]
You know that's a cheese?
Cotswold Blue.
Don't let Labour take our cheese.
[laughs]
[Gerald] Good to see you.
Thanks.
- I trust I can rely on your vote. Lovely. - Yes. Happily.
[chattering]
Thank you so much.
Lovely to see you again, Mr Waddingham. Thank you so much for coming.
[music continues]
[chattering continues]
Thanks for coming...
[laughs]
- Can you hold this? - Oh, yeah.
Aw, thanks.
- [Taggie] No idea about the-- - [Rupert] What are you talking about?
I've got lots of signatures.
You should think about doing this professionally.
Very funny.
- [grunts] - What is--
Oh, yeah. Let me. There's a knack to it.
- Do you mind? - No.
[shutter clicking]
Patrick O'Hara.
I finished university.
I'm a real grown-up now.
I don't have time for declarations. You're a lovely boy,
- but I'm-- - You're what?
Busy being a mistress of a wanker?
Can I kiss you?
- [engine starts] - Jesus, Patrick. I-- You have no idea.
You look fucking incredible, by the way.
You know, I think the vicar was quite taken with you.
They've invited for tea at the rectory.
[clicks tongue] Well, I'll do anything for the cause.
[laughs] Yeah, me too.
Yeah, you're quite the campaigner.
Oh, Seb's here.
Yeah, he's taking me to the cinema.
[laughs] You're going out with him?
- [Rupert scoffs] - [engine stops]
- [door opens] - I like him.
He's decent.
Well, is that the best you can hope for, "decent"?
Well, maybe I'm fed up with sitting around,
waiting for my life to happen...
making sandwiches for everybody else.
- [Seb] Hey. - [Taggie] Hey.
- You okay? - Yeah.
- You ready? - Yeah.
Taggie.
Yeah, I'll see you tomorrow.
- [car doors close] - [engine starts]
[Cameron] Okay, next item.
As you know, we're finally putting something punchy in Declan's old slot,
Sarah's show.
Still working on the format.
Newest idea is we bring in a co-host to mix things up a bit.
- Finally. Thank you. - [stutters] A co-host?
More like a magazine, but spicier.
Network loves the idea.
It's not your fault, Sarah. Prime-time slot.
It's a big thing for you to carry by yourself
- at this st-- - Who is it?
We're working on the details. Obviously, it won't be James.
- What? - You're Cotswold Round-Up.
Can't dilute the brand, can we?
- [Cameron] Okay, next. - Oh, but if--
Great Gardens.
We need a new location now that we're pulling Green Lawns.
Do we need to pull it?
Freddie Jones is actively campaigning to bring down Corinium.
Why would we put his house on our gardening show?
Well, it might be a show of strength if we go ahead anyway.
And means that we gain access to the property.
See if we can't pump Mrs Jones for info.
Yes. Good. Let's go ahead.
Now then.
Am I a man of my word?
Cameron?
[chuckles] You are a man of many words.
Am I a man of my word?
Yes, of course.
I think we'd all agree, Tony. [chuckles]
Would you?
See, that's curious, because I quite clearly remember
telling you not to speak to any of those Venturer traitors.
Do you remember what I said, Ginger, would be the consequence?
Instant dismissal, Tony.
In which case, Mr Burrows...
am I to take it you no longer require Corinium's services as an employer?
Um...
sorry?
[Tony] You were observed attending a screening of Absolute Beginners
at the Cotchester Regal...
with Taggie O'Hara.
You were spying on me?
It's franchise season, Sebastian.
I'm spying on everyone. It's self-preservation.
And it turns out, entirely necessary,
given that you are a double-crossing little shitbag.
So now, I'm gonna make an extremely fucking public example of you.
I'm not only gonna make sure you never work in commercial television again,
I'm gonna make sure there's no job for you on any channel anywhere.
I'm gonna make sure you can't get a job selling televisions at Rumbelows.
Escort Mr Burrows to his car, would you, Ginger?
- Don't let him clear his desk. - But I have--
Be very fucking glad you're leaving here with all ten fingernails.
All right then. Off you all fuck. And thank you for your loyalty.
It has been noted.
Quick chat, Cameron.
I brought this little guy, as requested.
[Tony] You can have it back soon as Lady Gosling's had a good look.
Where were you Friday night?
- Home. - I rang. You didn't answer.
I unplugged my phone.
Wanted to make sure I got a good night's rest, prepping for Great Gardens.
You're not wearing your ring.
Close to my heart. [sighs]
I didn't want people asking questions or--
Patrick O'Hara was at your house.
And I told him where to get off.
I know. Thank you.
You know you don't have to spy on me, Tony.
- [knocks on door] - [door opens]
Ready to go for a spin?
[birds chirping]
[Tony] You've done a spectacular job.
- [Valerie chuckles] - The cameras are gonna love it.
We only feature the very best gardens on the programme.
- Oh, wow. [chuckles] - Monica's at the Falconry, of course.
- Mm-hmm. - And the Duchess's at Badminton.
And Mon-Mon, she doesn't mind?
With all of the unpleasantness... [sighs] ...I haven't spoken to her in weeks.
- [sighs] - Mmm.
Monica feels-- And I agree-- You're so special.
[chuckles]
And showcasing this lovely garden,
that's far more important than petty personal feuds.
Oh, I just wish we could all go back to how it was before,
- when we were all friends. - Mmm.
Do you, um-- Do you have to host meetings here?
[Valerie] Oh, yes.
They hole up in Fred-Fred's office and I d-- I just leave them to it.
You know, the hardest thing is remembering who's siding with who.
I'm so glad you said that.
I can't remember from one day to the next.
- I'm sure we've got a couple of moles. - Yes. Yes.
[stammers] Freddie is worried about moles.
- Really? - Mmm.
He's been putting castor oil everywhere.
I'm terrified I'm gonna wake up in the morning
and find molehills all over the lawn.
- [chuckles] - [stammers]
Think about it, yeah?
- Mmm? Mmm. - All right, I'll think about it...
[both speaking indistinctly]
[Maud groans]
[Maud] Oh. Oh, you have to come down more often.
[both chuckle]
[Maud] Drive safe.
[engine starts, revs]
What was Malhar doing here?
He came to see me, darling. I do have friends.
So, what, he came for a cup of tea?
[chuckling] Oh, Jesus Christ. We had a drink.
Is there something you want to ask me?
Hmm? Do you know where your daddy is?
'Cause I don't see you hounding him.
But Daddy would never.
Oh.
I am sick of your disapproval.
You have no idea what I've done for this family over the years.
Well, I don't know why you bother if you resent it so much.
- I mean, you don't even like me. - [scoffs] I love you. You're my daughter.
Oh, c-- When you look at me, all you see are the things you've done wrong.
That's bloody unfair. I nearly died giving birth to you.
Twenty years ago.
[breathes shakily]
[sighs]
[inhales sharply] Malhar offered me a part.
- A part? - Yes, a part in a play.
Like I used to do parts in plays,
but I don't anymore because I'm stuck down here.
It's a play in London.
Well, what'd you say?
No. Of course I did.
Sorry.
I guess, yeah-- I guess it's nice to be asked.
[scoffs]
[inhales sharply] No, it's not, Taggie.
You get so used to putting other people's needs first that it becomes second nature.
And then one day, you look at yourself and you think,
"Why in fuck's name did I do that?"
But by then, it's too late to change.
[stammering]
[chuckling]
[dog barks]
[Rupert] Darling!
- I'm so glad to see you. - Just supporting my husband.
Not that he needs it.
[Rupert groans]
What brings you to Valerie's opening?
- Sticker bombing. - Mmm.
I managed to get one on Valerie's bottom.
Oh. [laughs]
- Closest to her opening I ever wanna get. - Oh.
We probably shouldn't be talking, since we're with rival consortiums.
- Consortia? Don't know. - Consortia?
- Consortiums? - Hmm.
- Anyway, it doesn't matter.
We're all adults.
I'm not giving you up for the sake of any stupid franchise.
You're the closest thing I have to a conscience.
[♪ "An English Country Garden" playing]
[birds chirping]
[chattering]
- Hello, Valerie. - Hello, darling. [chuckles]
- This is horrendous, isn't it? - Absolute hell.
- Lemonade, Mrs Vereker? - Thank you, Sharon.
Oh, lovely hat.
[clicks tongue] I'm fine.
[sighs]
[laughs] No, just hang on one second.
If one of you can do it for me, darling. Thank you so much.
[James laughs] Stop it. No. Stop it. You all--
James is having an affair with Sarah Stratton.
Oh, darling.
I shouldn't have told you that.
You'll leak it to the Scorpion to discredit Corinium.
Why don't you leave him? He's a wanker.
[Lizzie] I--
[cries] I booked a hotel room to have an affair with Freddie.
Then I-- Then I bottled out.
Hated myself.
Everyone does it.
- [laughs] Really, everyone? - [laughs]
- Yeah. - What?
All-All these people?
- [stammers] - Her, over there in the hat.
Oh, is she fucking that man next to her?
Is that why she's not looking at him?
Him and her? Hmm, handjobs in the potting shed.
- [laughs] - I mean it, Rupert.
Am I-- Am I really the only person holding out?
Does that make me a bit simple?
Should I be able to hold more than one man in my head at once?
- [sighs] - Oh. [sobbing]
[sighs] Can't we make it a show about fidelity, for God's sake?
Yes, you're an embarrassment to Corinium Television.
- [chuckles] - [Freddie] Blimey.
- Oh, my God. - Bit of a circus, innit?
Ugh.
Send in the clowns.
[clears throat, grunts] Speaking of which, they're about to film your spouses.
- [chuckles] - Think I'll, um...
go and watch.
You didn't come.
I tried, I-- I couldn't get out of the car.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
No, it's probably for the best.
You were probably right when you said no the first time.
[chuckles]
S-- Seconds away, James.
Quiet, please!
And action, James.
One only has to look at your borders, Mrs Jones,
to appreciate what an extraordinary gardener you are.
- [chuckles] - Tell me, what's your secret?
How do you grow such whopping glads?
Oh. Well, James,
- I feed them with growmore... - [crew chattering, laughing]
- ...and obviously I stake them very tall... - [James] Deirdre, ah-- Deirdre,
- can we quieten down the masses, please? - [Valerie] ...so they're not flopping over...
- Can we have some quiet, please? - [James] Thank you, Cameron.
[Cameron] Quiet!
[barking]
- [James] Right. Deirdre, are we ready? - Hmm.
- [James] Excellent. - [shrieks]
- [James] Oh, for God's sake. - Cut!
[James] I'm so sorry. Are you all right? It's like working in a zoo.
- Why's there a dog off a lead? - Beaver.
Can we find out why there's a dog off the lead?
- [Cameron] Okay, shall we try this again? - I'm so sorry.
- Are we ready? Are we ready? - I'm ready.
- [Deirdre] Action. - [clears throat]
One only has to take a look at your borders, Mrs Jones, to realise...
I'm here to pick you up.
- I have my car. - Well, Ginger will drive it home for you.
Okay, I don't understand.
I'm taking you out.
[sighs]
[♪ opera music playing]
It's the Venturer franchise application.
Okay, but how did you get it?
[inhales sharply] Ginger did a little light espionage at Green Lawns.
Well, can I read it? What's-What's in it?
Enough for us to get our teeth into.
We'll pick over it tomorrow.
[♪ "Love Is a Battlefield" playing]
[sighs deeply]
Tonight is about you and me.
Listen...
- I know I don't say it enough, but-- - Tony, people can see us.
[music continues]
Dance with me.
Nobody's dancing.
- I don't care. Come and dance. - [chuckles]
I meant what I said about the ring.
Once we win this, we'll do this whenever we want.
[singing]
[laughing]
- [continues singing] - [laughing]
[Caitlin] Come on, Tag. A, B, C or D?
- None of them. - No, you have to pick one.
Come on. Otherwise, how do we know which Four Men Went To Mow character
you're going to marry?
- Tag, have you seen this? - [Taggie] What?
[Caitlin] Show me.
"Rupert in clinch with cook".
Oh, my God. You're in the Scorpion. You're the cook.
Yeah, it's Cameron Cook. They must mean Cameron.
- Cameron? - No, it's definitely you.
[gasps] Seb's going to be devastated.
- Losing his job and now this? - What about Cameron?
It's Rupert and Cameron. Didn't you know?
[scoffs] Wow, she really picks 'em, doesn't she?
Oh, God, please.
It'll ruin everything for Daddy if it comes out.
[stutters] I-I shouldn't have told you.
Please, Patrick. Leave it alone.
[sighs]
[Declan] Tomorrow, at the public meeting... [sighs]
...we all need to be able to answer whatever questions come up.
Seb's been doing some briefing notes for everyone
now that he has more time on his hands,
but we need to know this back to front like Cameron does.
Where is Cameron?
With the Dark Lord, I suppose. I rang her this morning, but she didn't answer.
Gerald, you got a spare copy?
- I couldn't find mine this morning. - Uh, yes.
Rupert does that a lot.
Why does this have to be at Corinium?
Shouldn't a public meeting be on neutral grounds?
Oh, it's deliberately stacked in favour of the incumbent.
[stutters] It's simpler for everyone if they get to keep the franchise,
so the IBA make it easy to defend and difficult to challenge.
Look... [sighs] ...we have to prove we've got the money
and experience to take over the building,
'cause plenty of franchise applications fall at this hurdle.
- So, you know... - They got your best side.
- [chuckles] - [stutters, sighs]
- It's not what you think. - [Declan] What is it?
[Enid] Oh, wonderful.
You think this is funny?
Oh, come on. It's just tabloid nonsense, tonight's chip paper.
You promised me you wouldn't touch her.
- I didn't touch her. [stammers] - What the fuck is that?
The seat belt wasn't working.
You made him promise not to touch me?
What-- I'm 20 years old.
Oh, so something did happen then, did it?
She's... [stammers] ...seeing Seb, isn't she?
- [swallows] - Seb, it's...
- nothing. - No, it's okay.
- She's her own person. - There, you see? She's her own person.
- Get out of my house. - Daddy, for God's sake. Stop.
- Here we go. - [Rupert] Seriously, this is too far--
[Declan] You couldn't be serious if your life depended on it.
- The fuck do you have riding on this? - I put my house up.
I bought the bluebell wood so you could clear your debts.
You've had all my money, what more do you want?
Look-- [stammers]
Shall we get back to work
and stop talking about who gets to touch up Taggie?
- [Maud] Oh! - [Rupert groans]
- Hey. - [all clamouring]
- [Gerald] Stop. - [Freddie] Come here. Come on.
- Whoa. - [Declan] You prick!
- Prick! - [Taggie] What is wrong with you?
- I need you to sit down now. - Come on, chaps. That is enough.
God. Fuck is your face made of? Jesus Christ.
- You all right? - Fuck.
- What happened? - [grunts]
You shouldn't be here. It's not safe.
I was gonna call, but I got scared in case Tony bugged the phone.
That's paranoid, darling.
No, not anymore it's not.
Tony has seen the application. He knows all of our plans.
What... [stammers] ...how?
Freddie...
You got your copy?
[sighs]
- [sighs] - [Taggie sighs]
[James] You should probably get someone to fix that.
I'm for bed, darling.
- Oh, is that Green Lawns? - Mmm. It's the Great Gardens tape.
- Come and watch with me. - [James] And here I am surrounded by...
- Laugh at Valerie's gruesome borders. - ...large variety of yellows,
- greens, blues, lilacs, oranges, indigos. - Yes, all right.
All the colours of the rainbow.
And who's this little collection of colourful characters we have here?
- He's a little rambler. - See? She's got gnomes.
[chuckles]
[James] I think he's a little camera-shy, don't you?
And what's the inspiration behind this piece of landscaping here?
[chuckles] Well, James, uh...
What does she feed those enormous gladioli?
Same thing she feeds her children.
[chuckles] Tony.
- [chuckles] - And reflect it it does.
- [laughs] - Almost blinding.
Oh, look. Poor James is the same colour as the marigolds.
[chuckles]
And she looks like she's dressed for Ascot.
- ...extraordinary garden you... - Lady Valerie of Vulgaria.
- Hmm. - [James] ...what's your secret?
- How do you grow such whopping glads? - [chuckles] Well, James,
I feed them with growmore, and obviously I stake them very high so they're--
- [barking] - [shrieks]
- [Deirdre] Cut! - Ooh!
- Whoops-a-daisy. - [cackling]
Oh, it's Rupert.
- [Cameron] Oh. - [Rupert] Beaver!
[James] Can we find out why there's a dog off the lead?
[TV continues indistinctly]
[chuckling]
[♪ opera music playing]
- What's happening? We're rolling? - [Deirdre] It's going.
Hang on for one moment. Wait.
[Valerie] Shall we try that again?
[TV continues indistinctly]
[whirs]
[chuckles]
Beaver seems besotted with Miss Cook, doesn't he?
It's rather like he knows her.
[breathing heavily]
[sniffs]
[ticking]
The day of reckoning arrives.
[Ginger] Could we say the application was just sitting on Freddie Jones's desk?
Makes him sound appallingly careless.
I'm not sure we want to admit to trespassing and theft, do we?
That's a fair point.
The best way to take advantage of this little windfall
is to pull apart every idea they've got.
Pour scorn on every word they say this afternoon.
We've got it all worked out, right, Tony?
Absolutely.
No question. It's ours.
Never pays to think something's definitively yours, in my experience.
Let's not rest on our laurels just yet.
[radio presenter] Emotions are riding high in Rutshire in the battle for control
of the central south-west television region.
The franchise holder, Corinium, will go head-to-head
at a public meeting with new consortium Venturer
- led by TV presenter Declan O'Hara... - [sighs]
...MP and former Olympian showjumper, Rupert Campbell-Black,
and tech wizard Freddie Jones.
They've got the charm, but can they convince the IBA
that they've got the chops to catch the crown?
[♪ "Two Tribes" playing]
[breathes deeply]
[no audible dialogue]
[audience cheering]
[music fades out]
[cheering fades out]
[high-pitched ringing]
- [sighs] - [cheering resumes]
[audience chattering]
Why the cameras? Are we on television?
Oh, it's for the evening news.
Don't stare at them. It'll look like a game show.
Oh, look, there's-- there's Charles. Hello, Charles.
Henry, try and remember who's on whose side, will you?
Somebody get all this down before this door opens.
- Yeah, but if you need help, just ask. - I'm better on the subject.
- [Declan] You can get on that, Rupert. - [Rupert] Yeah.
- [Bishop Brenton] Yes, good idea. Yes. - [sighs]
- [♪ opera music playing] - [sighs]
We never come to Corinium. I don't understand.
Listen, it's Daddy's big day, and we're here to support him.
[applause]
- [audience member] Hey! - [chuckles]
- I'll just go and find a seat. - Oh, no, no. You're up here with us.
Ragtag sort of bunch, aren't they?
Spend half the time fighting each other, apparently.
Embarrassing.
Yes.
[applause]
Well, we can talk over there--
[applause fades out]
Goodness. All human life is here.
- Mostly pond life over that side. - [chuckles]
What the hell is Beattie Johnson doing here?
Hello, darling.
Is everything okay?
[whispers] Love you.
Ladies and gentlemen, the meeting is about to begin.
This consultation aims simply to determine if the new company, Venturer,
has the capacity to be a contender for the south-west central franchise.
We will inform Venturer by telephone later in the evening
if they may submit a formal franchise application.
And however, in the meantime,
this is an opportunity for you, the public,
to give both sides a good grilling.
So, are there any questions from the floor?
Yes, lady at the back over there.
Uh, with the very tight perm.
[♪ "Pump That Iron" playing]
Can I please ask both teams when you're gonna start showing bingo on the telly?
Well, we're absolutely committed to bringing
as many different sports to the viewing public.
So, if there's an appetite for bingo, absolutely.
Ah, yes, I was-- I was rather wondering if James might sign my blouse. [chuckles]
[audience laughs]
- Oh. [chuckles] - [chuckles]
Yes, my company's been developing satellite television for a while now.
Dishy Daniel won't be leaving Four Men Went To Mow this next series.
At Venturer, we've got plans to show polo.
I'm sorry that the Chipping Sodbury WI feel
we've disproportionately covered news from Cotchester.
So, Venturer are gonna harvest this technology for domestic use.
That's something that we've got and Corinium haven't.
Oh, and yes, I would be delighted to sign your blouse.
- [chuckles] - [audience gasps]
We'll ensure he removes his shirt...
- [wolf whistle] - ...at least once an episode.
[applause]
Yeah, we'll keep it on the network if it's popular.
Well, um, I'll respond to that if I may.
[music ends]
The underdog team over there might expect
to retain all of your favourite programmes,
but I'm afraid they belong to Corinium.
Cotswold Round-Up, ladies and gentlemen.
Imagine a world without that sofa, James.
No Master Dog.
No Dorothy Dove.
And, ladies and gentlemen, what that means
is no more Four Men Went To Mow.
- [audience groans] - Sorry, lads.
What a dreary prospect.
And what about the future?
Our newest output brings us to a whole new frontier of entertainment.
Most imminently, we are replacing our tired old talk show Declan
with a brand-new format and a new presenter.
Joining Sarah Stratton in her first-ever television job,
celebrity gossip columnist, Beattie Johnson.
[audience cheers, murmurs]
Heading up Uncensored,
the naughtiest, most gossipy show on the independent network.
Because that's what we do at Corinium.
We serve you the television you want.
Your station.
- Now and always. - [applause]
Because who wants to feel like their television station
is some rich man's second hobby?
Honestly, what does Rupert Campbell-Black know about broadcasting?
[audience murmuring]
I know people.
I know this area from representing you all in Parliament.
I've knocked on a damn sight more doors than Tony Baddingham has.
And look at the audience that have come today to support Venturer.
We've got Cotchester Council gardening team.
- The Chipping Sodbury WI. - Hello!
Bisley Ballroom Dancers.
The headmaster from Rugborough
and the lads
- from Cotchester Rugby Football Club! - [cheering]
[chanting] Venturer! Venturer! Venturer!
They know a good team when they see one.
This lot, a team? A team?
Ask Rupert where he got that bruise.
- They're a bunch of amateurs! - [audience] Yeah.
Brawling and boozing and bedding other people's wives.
The drama should be on the screen.
Not off it.
[applause]
No, you're right.
They do deserve better.
You deserve better.
You all deserve better than the shite Tony Baddingham
has been pumping into your living rooms for all these years.
[applause]
You deserve better than endless quiz shows
that cost nothing to make and nourish nobody's soul.
Yes, they have a good drama, but one?
One good drama?
We will make dozens.
There will be Venturer shows all over the network,
so you can be proud of the work that comes out of the central south-west.
We're not in this to make money.
We are in this to make joy.
Because what is television for?
I don't think Tony Baddingham's asked himself that in a very long time.
Christ, it shows.
You know what I think it's for?
Community.
People used to sit around the fire for their stories.
Now we sit around the television.
We point our chairs at the corner of the room,
and that is where we commune.
Television has the power to bring us together.
To help us forgive each other.
When we've had a stupid fight.
To give us a window into others' lives.
To bring new ideas into our homes.
It is, I believe,
the greatest art form man has created.
I got into this business many years ago
in the pursuit of truth and integrity.
And I still believe in both.
And you deserve better.
And we will move mountains to give you better
if you put your faith in us and give us a chance.
[applauding, cheering]
Thank you, Rupert.
[audience member] Go Venturer!
And now I have to spend months fighting this. When does it ever stop?
[stammers] We don't know the verdict yet.
Oh, Christ, d'you see Gosling's wizened face light up
at Declan's blarney lyricism?
Then we have the smear campaign.
More scandal, more dirt--
Ginger, you wouldn't know dirt if it shat itself into your face.
Do you have any idea of the size of dirt you managed to miss this week, hmm?
You are supposed to be my fucking eyes and ears.
I'd get better reports from Helen fucking Keller!
- [Maud] Well done, darling. - Thank you, sweetheart.
I meant what I said.
- Well, I just hope that it worked-- - [gasps] Excuse me.
You were just brilliant. Everybody loved you.
- [Declan] Thank you, darling. - I'm so proud of you.
- Where'd you get all these people? - Daddy.
Hello, Agatha. Bet you didn't expect this lot.
Sorry we were a bit rowdy with you.
This is from all of us.
- [chuckles] - Hey, Rupert.
I reckon she's a keeper, don't you?
No, mate, she's our top striker.
We did good, right? We did okay?
- You were great-- - Hey.
Hey.
- It's all back to yours, apparently. - [chuckling] Oh, apparently.
[Rupert] Why didn't you tell me he was bringing in Beattie?
I didn't know.
I don't know what the hell he's doing. Something's going on with him.
- He-He knows something, or I-- - It's okay.
We're gonna win this.
And what if we don't?
I'll look after you whatever happens, okay?
Promise.
Can you come to the Priory?
I'm supposed to be here, but I'll slip away if I can.
- [knock on door] - [Paul] Come on, Sarah.
S-- Lizzie. Lizzie, listen, um, Sarah's not coming out.
Would you just go in and see she's all right?
Oh... [stammers] ...I think you could go in if it's your wife, Paul.
I can't be seen coming out of the ladies. I'm a member of parliament.
Look, let's go grab a drink. The womenfolk can join us later.
[Paul] Thank you.
[sighs]
[Sarah retching, coughing]
[toilet flushes]
Sarah, are you all right?
Um, I must have eaten something.
Nerves?
[scoffs] That woman.
[sighs] Why's he put me with her?
My big chance, and then it's her. [sniffles]
[sighs] Bloody Tony. [breathes shakily]
Do you know, I spent my life running around after these men
who just can't be trusted. [sniffles]
And they have all the power. [sobs]
They just squeeze us out like toothpaste, not even toothpaste.
They don't need us at all. [sniffles]
Oh, I think they do.
But fuck 'em, right?
[laughing, sniffles]
We should stop putting them first.
Do what we want.
Not just the right thing all the time.
I'm not sure I've ever done the right thing.
I've got to go. Uh, your husband's looking for you.
[sighs, sniffles]
[breathes deeply]
[knock on door]
Thought I told you to fuck off.
- [door opens] - [Monica] No, darling, it's me.
I'm here to say come home.
Archie's waiting in the car.
Why'd you have to bring the boy to see his father being humiliated?
You know, we both know it's not that you're angry about.
But perhaps this is a test.
It's time for you to decide.
[♪ opera music playing]
I've been loyal all of these years, but even my stoicism has a limit.
So do be careful.
Come home tonight, and let's talk about it.
Because if you don't,
I'll take the children to my sister's in the morning.
[door opens, closes]
Would be rather a thing to win it though, wouldn't it?
- [blows, chuckles] - [groans, chuckles] I love you guys.
[all chuckle]
[guests chattering]
[sighs]
[♪ jazz piano music playing]
Legs on that, eh? I think I might be in there.
You fucking idiot.
What if Declan finds out?
Not to mention, he's a friend and it's wrong.
You've never objected to a bit of wife-sitting before.
[jazz music continues]
Goodness. When did you get so morally fibrous?
Dame Enid's on the piano. She's fucking amazing.
So, what happens now?
We're just waiting on Lady Gosling to call to say if we're through to the next round.
[sighs]
- You sure you can't stay? - Yeah.
I've had a lovely time, but they're tired.
So I'll take them home.
Fingers crossed.
Thank you, darling. Thanks for coming.
I'm really proud of you, Fred-Fred.
Love you. [clears throat]
Stop slouching, Sharon. You look like a potato.
[♪ singing "Total Eclipse of the Heart"]
- Patrick, have you seen your mother? - Have another drink.
Dad, relax.
- Evening, Mr Fairburn! - I managed to escape.
[speaking indistinctly]
[music continues]
Hello.
I'm Cilla bloody Black.
[Lizzie] Do you think you'll get it?
- Lots of hurdles to jump yet. - Mmm.
But I think we did a really good job tonight.
[chuckles]
So is-- is this a night off, then?
Have you got any idea how fucking beautiful you are?
[chuckles]
How are you?
Surprisingly well, frankly.
Mother knew me this morning.
First time in months.
Made me feel like life is possible.
And I wanted to say to you that even if you can't love me,
then I think friends would be rather nice.
Charles, I think I found someone to marry.
Goodness.
Well, she's a-- a nice girl from a good family,
and she-she likes me in the right way.
Do you like her?
I think we get on rather well.
You know, I really think I could bear to be married to her.
And especially if it meant everyone would stop asking me why I'm not married.
It'll give me the respectability I need for my career, and-and...
and then we could be together.
Still in secret.
But safe.
I don't know if I can live without this.
Without you.
[breathes shakily]
[both chuckling]
I've never done this before.
- What, sex? - [chuckles] Adultery.
I've written about it a lot.
I've never met anyone I wanted to do it with before.
[Lizzie breathing shakily]
It's so nice to feel software becoming hardware. [chuckles]
[pants]
[both chuckling]
[groans] I'm going to declare this
- an area of outstanding natural beauty. - [chuckles]
[gasps]
[breathing heavily, moans]
[whimpers]
[moans]
- [footsteps approach] - [door opens]
What's going on?
[guests chattering in background]
I'm going to London.
Malhar offered me a part in, uh, A Doll's House.
I thought you didn't get it.
It's a different part.
It's the maid.
You're playing the maid?
Yeah, Declan. Yeah.
Because as it turns out, I'm not a star anymore.
As it turns out, I spent too long following you around.
For wherever you wanted to be.
There for the children so that you get to do what you want to do.
I want to work.
I need to work.
And you, of all people, should understand that.
[sighs] And if you'd been even remotely available to me recently,
you would have been part of that decision, but you weren't.
So I made it myself.
[softly] No.
[Declan sighs]
We need you here, love.
You actually don't.
Good luck with the franchise bid.
- Mummy. - Tag, stop her.
She said she's going to London to do a fucking play.
I am going to London to do a fucking play,
and I should never have left it this long.
Goodbye, my sweetheart.
Please don't go.
Maud, please.
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
You should get that.
[sighs]
[ringing continues]
Hello?
Yes. Hi, Lady Gosling.
No, no. Of course, no. I-I appreciate you calling.
[guests cheering]
[guest] Yes!
[cheering continues]
[TV host] And later tonight, the battle
for the central south-west television region is on.
Incumbent company, Corinium, now being challenged by Venturer,
headed by Corinium's biggest star, Declan O'Hara,
along with ex-showjumper and Minister for Sport, Rupert Campbell-Black.
Today's meeting was to decide if Venturer has the capacity
to be a serious contender for the franchise.
- Leaving already? - [gasps]
[sighs]
Shall we pop to my office?
For what?
Never asked me that before.
[TV host] Across the country,
regional television franchises are being renewed.
Often the original incumbent sitting pretty, remaining unchallenged.
How long have you been sleeping with Rupert Campbell-Black?
[chattering, laughing]
What am I having? Just a bit.
Hey.
What's that? Just a bit. Yeah, a bit.
[Taggie sighs]
[laughs]
[chatter fades out]
[sighs]
[whispering]
[TV chatter in background]
I was spying on him-- on Venturer.
Oh.
So what information did you fuck out of him for me?
Turns out I'm not a very good spy.
Oh, don't fucking goad me.
There is no one in the world you could sleep with that... [stammers]
He is the worst man in the world.
You knew that.
Oh, you fucking reek of him!
I'll give you whatever you want.
I'll-- I'll ring my solicitor tomorrow.
I'll start the divorce. I'll do anything.
Just swear you will never let that man touch you again.
Just let me have this one, please.
- Mm-mmm. I'm sorry. - [sighs]
I will sack you so hard!
You can't sack me. I'm resigning.
Your visa's tied to your job, darling!
I'll make sure you're on the first plane back to America!
Yeah?
I will marry Rupert.
Then I can stay.
Venturer might have won this battle...
- [Seb] Oi, lads, we're on! - ...but have they won the war?
That's the question on everyone's lips.
They have been successful putting together an impressive board
comprising the great and the good of Rutshire.
- Yes. - [all cheering]
People used to sit around the fire for their stories.
Now we sit around the television.
That is where we commune.
Television has the power to bring us together.
- Fuck you! - [gasps]
[both grunt]
[Declan] To help us forgive each other.
When we've had a stupid fight.
To give us a window into other's lives.
- To bring new ideas into our homes. - [cheering]
Where's Mummy?
It is, I believe, the greatest art form man has created.
[clears throat]
Hi.
- Hi. - Uh--
- [Tony straining] - [grunting]
[panting]
[both grunt]
Seb's a nice boy.
- You were right. - Yeah, he's lovely.
- He's a good sort. - Yeah.
Only, he's not you.
Oh, Tag.
[breathes shakily] I don't know why I just said that.
I think I'm tired.
- [Taggie sighs] - [breathes shakily]
It's the franchise. Cameron.
- I'm trapped. I can't get out of it. - I'm not asking you to.
But she's not you.
I can't breathe without you.
[Taggie sighs]
[Taggie breathes shakily]
- [breathing shakily] - [Tony on TV] ...first-ever television job,
celebrity gossip columnist, Beattie Johnson!
[breathing shakily]
- Heading up Uncensored... - [breathing shakily]
...the naughtiest, most gossipy show on the independent network.
Because that's what we do at Corinium.
We serve you the television you want.
Your station.
Now and always.