Hi, it's Toni Callaghan...
I auditioned for an advert last week
and I still haven't heard anything back.
What role?
- Working Mum three. - You weren't successful, I'm afraid.
You weren't the vibe that we wanted.
What I don't have vibe of a working mum?
Thanks for chasing up!
Er sorry wait. Can I just say that
am a mum and so if I got the part I'd be a working mum -
Would you like to audition for Jobseeker two, instead?
Yeah right.
There she is queen on the Tombola...
D'you reckon we're gunna smash five hundred quid this Saturday?
I'll be making 'em all dig deep, don't you worry.
Can't bloody wait me!
Oh Lisa!
Getting jiggy on the bouncy castle!
That is gonna rake us some serious coinage
for the school coffers, you know.
- Grace. Grace. Oh. - Oh you
must be Grace’s mum?
The one who doesn’t answer the group chat...
- You're erm, Tommy’s dad? - Yeah.
Aren't you? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
Haven't seen Jodie in a while.
Yeah she’s running a breathing workshop in Goa.
Have you ever tried it?
No. I've never tried breathing...
I've never tried breathing.
Hey, you're an actress, right? Yeah, much work in Hull?
Yeah... enough to keep me busy.
Cos Gracie says you sit on the sofa all day!
What did she say that?
Nah, say all sorts, kids, don't they?
You know, it's a funny the other day.
Tommy said to me I was a Rockstar Dad.
And multi-location burger bar business owner.
Wow!! He said... He said all of that? Multi, multi location...
- Mummy I'm hungry. - Okay..?
Do you know it's a shame you're too busy to
help with the school fair, Sunday.
The kiddies, they love it when their parents step up.
I don't want to ask a gendered question but
how are your baked goods?
Cos you know, what I wanna do I wanna make this cake
stall epic, right.
So hit me with some speciality you've got in the kitchen?
Breadcakes...
Not immediately seeing the appeal.
Oh well that's cos, you haven't tried my breadcakes. Yeah.
Yeah. Try it. Yeah please try it.
Is there anything you can't do, Toni?
How about three dozen of these fantastic breadcakes
for the school fair?
Yes, yes, absolutely, sign me up!
Craig.
Craig!
Get us a fizzy water.
Rana do you think a playlist this intricate just happens?
Yeah, if you put it on shuffle.
Not up the duff are you, Rana?
Not seen you order water since you were fourteen.
No I'm eating clean, tryna rid my body of toxins.
You're not gonna want one of these delicious sausage rolls then are yer.
- Is Nima here? - What do you want with Nima for?
Oh it's Grace’s new bezzie Tommy,
his dad's in charge of the class group chat-
- I told you, not to get involved in those. - I haven't.
But I've told him I'll make three dozen breadcakes for the school fair.
You can't even make toast.
Oh I miss toast...
Yeah well
this guy's a rock star dad and multi-location burger bar
business owner, so,
and he thinks I can't contribute!
You can't, you're useless.
Is this the PTA?
- Yeah. Why? - No good comes from joining the PTA.
Craig, it's just some parents and teachers... associating.
Listen I've been in those meetings right, parents get weird.
It's like a cult.
Ooh. The PTA are gonna come and get me!
Watch your back Craig, there after yer.
*** hell.
It'll all end in tears.
Here just warmed 'em in the oven,
get 'em whilst they’re hot, kids.
Oh and don't be putting any butter on them.
There to be eaten as God intended.
Ahh Nima, Nima,
look how, look how nice she looks.
- What you after? - She’s after your breadcakes.
She’s got herself in the shit and wants us to pull her out, as usual.
- Rana! - Sorry. It's my blood sugar levels.
I’ve given up white carbs, booze and sex.
Sex?! I give it three days.
Aww that's nice coming from my brother.
He's right, you'll be running your leg up the postman.
- And now me mam. - What have you done that for?
You've never held back on a single thing in your whole life.
Cause I got left for dust by a
twenty two year old on a fitness trial at work.
Well, you are thirty four.
What an awful thing to say to me!
You are, though!
I will not stay here to be insulted!
Oh my God.
Nima, I need that breadcake recipe for the school fair!
Oh I can't Toni, it's a secret recipe passed down from me mam.
- Bad luck to tell. - Please? Please Nima?
Look it's for the kiddies?
Oh I'm sorry, love. You're just gonna have to tell 'em you can't do it.
Here, Paula,
there's somat I need you to see.
What is it?
Brace yourself, love. 'Cuz you're not gonna like it.
It's Ash.
Oh.
Seventy nine views?
Seventy nine people have seen my baby girl's business end?
Paula. Paula.
Paula don't. Don't!
- Don't have a go! - ASHLEY!
Come here
Well done guys, you are looking good.
What is that?!
I'm taking a pole dancing class at the gym. It's for fitness.
It’s for slags!
You don't get it, mam. When
I'm doing a Double Attitude Fireman Spin, I feel free!
I'm all for you feeling free, my darling.
As long as you do it with your bloody legs closed.
It's my fault I should've kept you off that pole. I've failed you.
It's that bloody Instagram thing, that's put you up to this?
Actually, it was Rana's idea.
Oi.
You put my baby girl on the pole!
I'm interval training. You've got thirty seconds.
She still eats cheese string, you know!
Oh mate,
the chicks have reclaimed pole dancing.
- It's about fitness now. - She's right!
Debbie says it builds strength and control.
The hotpants are just an extra.
Hmm
she'll be able to crush a grown man's head between her thighs.
Wouldn't that have been useful, growing up?
No, I'll crush 'em for her..."Debbie" is it?
Yeah Queen of the Slags.
Don't say that Debbie's me hero.
She's sending you down the road to ruin.
- Thirty seconds are up. - I'm gonna sort this out!
She'll be swinging from the pole after I've finished with her.
ASHLEY!
Can I train with you for a bit Rana?
If you must!
Wicked.
But I will crush you.
Move it?!
Good. Nice.
Good. Good. Point them toes. Bit more body strength.
Come on up. Good. Good. Come on. That's it. That's it.
Excuse me, I need to have a word with you about how you do business -
Yes love?
Ooh well you've got good shoulders.
You've got lovely arms too.
- What? - For this. I should know.
Been doing it long enough.
- Right. - Gone white as a sheet, what’s up?!
- I don't know. - You scared?
Yeah. Little bit.
Don't worry.
Right class, let’s get on with it. What’s your name?
- Paula. - Hi Paula...
Yer alright.
Right ladies let's get this fair smashed, eh.
Here: start with the tombola, loosen their pockets.
Then they jump over to the toy stall, now
that's just marked up tat from my contact in the B&M warehouse...
Then slap bang in the middle here:
we've got the cake stall.
And lovely Lisa's over here has pledged ten,
ten lemon drizzles. Give it up.
Toni,
tell me you are on track to smash these breadcakes?
I would love to put a big tick in your box.
Yeah, erm right, the thing is though,
I know I promised thirty six breadcakes...
Ddddd. Press the pause button there.
Are you saying you can't do this?
There are gonna be some very disappointed kiddies.
I knew this would happen.
It’s a lot to take on Tone..
- Do you need me to step up, Jay? - No! No! No! No.
That's not what I'm saying at all. What I'm saying is...
is thirty six enough? Can I do more.
I'm loving the way your mind works.
Tell you what, why don't we make it an even one hundred?
Yes please.
That's what I was gonna suggest.
One hundred breadcakes.
Absolute Baking legend in my eyes!
- You smashed it again, Jay. - Yeah well,
Yeah well, it's not all over yet is it. We need the showstopper.
To blow the bloody doors off this fair.
Give me some ideas, ladies? Ideas. Think. Think. Think.
My Dave could demo his power saw.
Oh. No such thing as a shit idea. Yeah next, anybody?
My mate can bring her police car down and do a display.
Let all the kiddies fiddle,
not fi... I mean fiddle...
She can put the siren on.
Yes. We have a winner! T, love the way your mind works T brilliant!
Are you sure you can you handle this?
Yes. Yes.
Yeah I'm gonna smash it.
Is it burning?
- Is it meant to? - Yeah!
Are you being serious?
- Sorry, do you want one? - No.
I’m eating like Chris Hemsworth.
- It's the caveman diet. - What's that then?
Makes you want to club everyone over the head cos you miss carbs so much!
What did Debbie say then?
I've decided that you can carry on with the lessons.
Oh mint! Thanks Mam!
Oh God. Not on social media, though.
Deal! I've gotta tell Luke!
Hey, hey, hey! Take these bloody things!
Go on. Chop chop.
So why the change of heart?
I appreciated Debbie's... point of view.
You called her a slag, last time I saw you.
- In fact Queen of the slags. - I know but I was wrong.
I have seen the light Rana...
Debbie is an artist.
Why you got so many eggs.
I can’t stop thinking about the pole,
it’s like it’s in my blood.
- You’re a natural, love. - Am I.
God that's so weird you know, cos
I was only really very good at putting the mats away in P.E.
You’re strong..
I keep telling yer but you don’t believe me.
Now come on, give us a hook spin.
- Yeah. - You could be as good as them you know.
Come to my advanced class on Friday
Okay
Well what, are we buying a knock off telly?
It doesn't look like much, but
big Barry makes the best breadcakes in Hull.
You said they were passed down from your mother!
Oh she were crap at baking an all.
She used to say 'get your hair done and your tits on show.
And get your husband mam to cook for you'.
Now get in there and pass em off as your own.
Welcome to living a lie!
So now I’m living a lie?
Yeah enjoy it, int it. Hey and Toni?
Don’t you dare tell Rana.
Right.
Careful, now.
He's got magic in his hands but a violence in his soul.
Hiyah mate, can I have one hundred breadcakes please.
They have to be for personal use.
Well yeah they are. I really like breadcakes.
You're not gonna pass 'em off as your own are yer?
Not a chance.
No I’m gonna freeze 'em obviously and eat one a day.
Cos you know a breadcake a day...
Hip hip hooray!
Thirty seven minutes.
How are you not gasping?
Four minutes slower than me.
Oh this health kick is really killing me.
God I thought you were sailing through it, you’ve been so pleasant.
I want to rip everyone’s head off and shit down their neck.
Will someone force feed her a Twix please?
Sorry. Sorry. I just need to get this next time trial out of the way.
I’ve got you a distraction.
I’ve signed you up to the school fair.
Said you’d bring your police car down?
A load of screaming kids in my motor.
No sodding way. That’ll send me right over the edge, Toni!
It's for a good cause, Rana...
Hey save it. I'm immune to guilt trips.
There is one chink in your armour... Grace?!
Will you help us, Aunty Ra-Ra?
You did not just do that.
I finished your breadcakes, Toni.
One hundred, freshly baked.
Bloody hell mam, one hundred?
Least I could do. And it's for kiddies in't it!
It's for the kiddies Rana.
It's for the kiddies.
What do you say?
She’s got fourteen million new followers on tik-tok
just coz she smeared peanut butter on a cat
which is animal cruelty
so I said to Luke, ‘Look at this, it’s animal cruelty’
and he looked and it and he said, ‘Yeah it’s animal cruelty’.
Ashley love, what time's class?
- Oh it's not for ages. - Get there early? Do a warm up?
Oh Debbie says I don't need them.
Thing is love - and don't take this the wrong way
- I can't stand you. - Have I done something wrong?
- It's not you. - It's your youth.
It makes me feel like shit.
- Why?! - Because I'm not... extremely
young anymore. And, right now, I can't handle anyone who is.
I'm sorry I'm naturally fit.
Well don't be. Enjoy it while it lasts. Because it won't.
And that ladies, is how it’s done.
Have I shown you up again?
- No. You were mint, mam. - Oh thanks.
Bloody natural.
- This is my daughter? - Yeah,
it's taking you a bit of time to get the hang of it, int it?
Yeah, I did think that she was a bit young.
She is..
But I teach littluns just to just hop round it like a maypole.
You what?
I'll see you soon Paula.
Yeah you will.
I think I fancy her...
Shoot me now.
What if I get a pole in my room, for us to practise on?
Yeah that could work.
Big gussets only though, just in case Jake walks in.
- Deal! - Now I just need to work out
- how to tell your dad. - Oh I took care of that.
Videoed your dance and sent it to him.
Hand crafted breadcakes, fresh from my oven!
Fifty P each, three for a pound.
Fresh bread cakes
- How's it going, girls? - Oh
I'm raking in the dough! The bairns are barmy for my barms!
Love it! You can ping me your figures, yeah.
Erm, Paula, Paula could you action that, Paula?
- She's my numbers bod. - Yeah alright, Deborah Meaden.
You keep it up. I'm smashing this fair.
Paula. Don't embarrass me in front of Jay.
You're lucky I'm here. Shut it.
Time out. Kiddies come on.
Oh hello. Hiya darling. Hey, look what mam's doing.
Running an artisan bakery business!
We don't know what that means do we?
No.
Were gonna get our face painted?
Yeah Craig the point is, it's an undeniable success.
And it an't all ended in tears.
Fair's not over yet mate.
Get that out of my car.
Or that. Give me that.
We're on a real roll now.
Oh enough with the baking puns, Toni.
Well I think I might have a calling you know, for baking.
I mean I've got a gift.
A gift for what? You didn't bake 'em!
Being an artisan baker is ninety percent attitude.
The bread is the easy bit.
Yeah? Tell that to him.
Shit! Why is he here?
What have you done Toni?
- How many you after love? - How many?
Hese are mine! And you're passing 'em off as your own!
- Now you're toast. - No I'm not!
It's for the kiddies?
You should have thought that before.
Oh, dear! - Stay away!
Pick them breads!
No one steals from Big Barry.
Whoo. Whoo. Whoo. Whoo.
I'm gonna have to ask you to leave, Sir. This
is a kiddies' fair.
Smash him, Jay!
You gonna make me?
No, no I ju... erm
I don.. I don't want any trouble.
Leave him alone!
You never gonna slap me.
You can't hit me!
Don't you dare hit her.
- They are mine! - Oi!
Stay away from my woman.
Bloody hell, Craig!
That's why you don't join the PTA.
This is so nice.
Hello. It is nice.
- That got out of hand, didn't it? - No. You leave me alone.
You've ruined everything.
Was only a fair.
I wanted to smash it!
And now that is all anyone will remember.
And my burger business has gone belly up.
You couldn't shift burgers in Hull?
Yeah, I know,
I'm a loser.
Hey come on. I can't talk.
I'm thirty four and my best role to date was as a "sexy kebab
outside the Hessle Grill, you know"
And I do spend a lot of time on the sofa.
Jodie isn't in Goa.
She's in Goole, with her personal trainer, Ryker.
Why didn't you just come clean and tell me you couldn't bake?
I don't know, I just wanted Grace to be proud of me.
Yeah well, I wanted Tommy to be proud of me and...
Come on. He is! It was a great fair.
Till I ruined, I did ruin it.
Is, is this gonna happen?
- You and me? - No.
That's not happening
and I'm not gonna tell Craig, that you did that.
Grace, do you want to help make an audition tape?
- Yeah - You can be
- the director. - Yeah.
- Come on then. - I'm gonna be the director.
- Bye Tommy. - Bye Tommy.
What’s happened to Tommy?
Oh he's off with his Dad.
Jay ditched the PTA to spend more time with him.
Good for him.
Hmm.
- Where've you been? - At school.
Had a PTA meeting. The mums elected me President.
You hate the PTA!
Listen can't get in the way of democracy, Toni.
I'm gonna reform it from the inside out. Like a new broom.
Well that sounds like a lot of work.
Nah we'll smash it.
- Right, great, see yer. - In a bit...
Craig's joined a cult
You'll never hear the end of that now.
Brilliant! Hey erm, how was your time trial?
Beat the twenty two year-old by point two of a second.
Oh so your detox paid off then?
Nah. I took a different tack.
Did a bit of sexual sabotage the night before.
Knackered him out.
Hi Toni Callaghan
Yeah.
Okay thank you cheers bye.
I got the..
- No way.. - I got the part.
- What was it? - Jobseeker two!
Grace. Grace darling, Mam got the part!
Well done mam
Yeah they said my desperation was believable,
really believable, apparently.
I'm saying nothing.