Oh c'mon! Run the fricken ball!!
What are you doin' coach?!
This whole team is run by morons!
Yo Hoagies!
Maybe if you yell a little louder
they can hear you over there in Minneapolis.
Oh great, fricken Steve DelVecchio.
Oh, cool.
No, Hank. The guy's a freakin' douchebag.
Hate to break it to you Steve, but you're at a sports bar.
Oh great, here he comes.
Let me ask you something:
Why in the hell would they run the ball
when they're down by 14 with no timeouts.
It's called smash mouth football, okay.
You ever heard of it? Pound the rock.
You're literally just yelling stuff. You know that?
You got no clue what you're talking about, Hoagies.
Oh yeah? What makes you an authority?
How about this?
Woah. Is that a Super Bowl ring?
Where'd you get that? The Halloween store?
No. I earned it, okay?
I played a pivotal role in the Eagles' championship run, thank you.
Oh get outta here, Steve. You work in ticket sales.
That's a BS ring right there.
No such thing.
Woah. Is that a Super Bowl ring?
You bet your ass it is.
Wow! Beer's on the house.
Thanks man. Later Hoagies.
Unbelievable.
Yeah, I can't believe Steve DelVecchio is a Super Bowl champion.
He's a fraud, Hank.
I cannot and will not sit idly
by while Steve frickin' DelVecchio runs
around acting like football royalty,
reaping the benefits of a ring he does not deserve.
Well, uh what are you gonna do about it, Mark?
I'm also gonna reap the benefits baby!
Boom.
Suck it, delvecchio.
Woah there Johnny Depp.
Since when do you wear jewelry?
Oh this is way more than jewelry, Tam.
This is an official Eagles Super Bowl ring.
How'd you get your hands on a Super Bowl ring?
Doesn't matter how you get a ring.
What matters is that you got one.
With this thing, people respect your football opinions.
No longer will I be treated like a dumb fan.
Oh yeah?
The minute you open your mouth
you're gonna be exposed as a total fraud.
I bet you can't even name one play.
Pfft, yeah okay hon. That's ridiculous.
Can't even name-- I know a ton of plays actually, okay?
Like uh, what's the one where they run the ball up the middle.
Oh hey guys, either of you want to go to the Eagles game today?
Our son would rather watch people play video games.
Oh, thanks-- but I actually have brunch plans.
David? They're playing New York.
Um...
Yeah, no chance.
He gets uncomfortable around macho stuff like that.
Wait what? What do you mean by that?
Yeah come on it'll be fun!
You ever been to a Birds game before?
I have not actually!
David, stop.
You and I both know you'll have a horrible time.
You know, there's a lot that you don't know about me Andrea.
You literally never watch football.
Yeah but that doesn't mean I can't enjoy a game
like a regular dude guy.
So is that a yes?
Uh, yes. Yes, I would LOVE to go.
Let me just uh, I'll be right back I'm gonna go grab my football hat!
Well, good luck.
Oh come on. He's gonna love it.
Giants suck!
Yeah I don't know if wearing that Giants hat
was such a smart idea, okay?
Eagles fans are maniacs.
Don't worry, David. Just have fun.
Eagles fans get a bad rep.
Eh I don't know Tam.
There's a reason they got a jail under the stadium.
Oh c'mon. Eagles jail's a myth,
like the Jersey Devil
or those, uh Ben Franklin Bridge Trolls.
Wait troll-- Do you mean tolls?
No, David. Trolls, okay?
There's these little trolls that live under the Ben Franklin Bridge.
Everybody knows that.
You say that like it's a fact.
Uh I actually have a Super Bowl Ring.
So everything I say is a fact.
Okay Mark. I could buy a tiara.
Does that make me freakin Princess Diana?
You know what? Let's go Hank.
We've spent enough time amongst the uh, hoi polloi.
Time to go flex this ring and mingle with the first class fans.
Fine! Have fun Mark!
David and I will be enjoying the game with the real fans.
Ain't that right, David?
Oh absolutely. I want the authentic cultural experience.
Hi, I like your tat.
Are you making fun of me?
What? No no no no. I think uh...
I think it's...really cool.
2005? Wow, great Super Bowl, right?
No it wasn't. Eagles lost.
Oh... So then why--
I got it in 2004. I was feeling pretty confident.
Got it.
Maybe you could, uh use the ring to get like, uh free hot dogs?
No no no. You gotta think bigger, Hank.
Oh yeah. You're right. We could meet Swoop.
Oh c'mon. Hank, okay? Any five-year- old can meet the mascot,
but not just anyone can go up there baby.
- Ticket? - Here's my ticket.
Yeah uh...that's not really...eh whatever.
Ohh yeah, now this is the filet mignon of the fan experience.
This is where the real heavy hitters watch the game.
No fricken way.
Woo! Let's gooo birds!!! Get a stop!! Come on!
Let's go The Giants! Get a stop!
Hey moron!! You're on offense.
Oh just ignore 'em.
Oh it's all good. It's part of the fun.
Hey I can take it. Hahaha.
Let's go New York!
Giants suck you freaking nerd.
Hey, woah there. Hey, counter point:
Eagles suck you nerd.
Say one more thing to my kid and I'll shove
that hat right down your throat.
Understood. I am so sorry ma'am.
Oh man, which one should we go in?
Hank, we can go in any one we want.
We got the ring. We're VIPS.
Oh yeah. Got the unlimited egg rolls.
Got the air conditioning. Dudes in business casual.
Jackpot baby.
Oh yeah. Now this is how you watch a game.
Oh hell yeah. Yeah let me get one of those.
Uh no thanks. I, uh, I feel bad eating the babies.
So, uh, you from New York City?
Yeah. Well, Westchester.
But it's like right next to the Bronx, so...
You into theater?
Pfft! Theater?
No... I mean, I've seen a show or two,
but I'm not like some fancy theater boy.
Ah damn. I was thinking of taking my girl to a Broadway show,
but wasn't sure what to see.
Oh really? Um...what about Hamilton?
It's terrific.
Oh yeah?
Cause I heard it was a bunch of woke B.S.
Oh? Uh...yeah totally ...totally overrated.
I mean you don't want to see that crap.
But uh, maybe...you know, Stomp is more up your alley.
Stomp...Stomp okay.
Is that the one where they're all cats?
No, that's...that's Cats.
Ahh. You want?
Um... yeah.
Yeah, let's do it.
David. I wouldn't.
Oh it's fine, Tammy.
I'm hanging out. I'm being a dude.
I'm going with the flow.
Yeaaah dude. Heh, yeaah.
Oh my god, what is that?
Oh, uh mostly rubbing alcohol and race gas.
Keeps me responsible.
Can't drive home if you drank all your fuel.
You see, this whole team is soft
because the coach is a fricken' goofball bozo.
I mean whatever happened to old school,
punch-em-in- the-mouth football?
Run the ball and play defense.
Hey, but what do I know? Just my expert opinion.
Wow this guy really knows ball.
You were on our Super Bowl team?
Oh yeah oh yeah. I was a...uh...a coaching consultant.
Yeah, that was...that's what I was.
I thought I knew everyone on that team,
but uh forgive me, I don't recognize you.
That's because he's a fraud.
DelVecchio.
The hell are you doing here Hoagies?
Oh you know, just mingling with my fellow football connoisseurs.
Oh are you now? That's interesting...
Have you shared with them how you think the team is run by morons?
Oh yeah, well the fricken owner, that guy's a stone cold moron.
He doesn't have the balls to take this team over the top. Pfft.
Well Mark. Thank you for your candid assessment.
I'm sure our esteemed owner here appreciates it very much.
Hey, listen. Old school, hard-nosed leatherheads like me,
we're not gonna B.S you and stroke your ego.
We care about one thing: winning,
and sometimes that ain't pretty.
You wanna go ahead and surround yourself with sycophants?
Be my guest. You know who else did that?
Saddam Hussein. And where's he now?
Certainly not winning any Super Bowls that's for sure.
You know, I've owned this team for thirty years
and not once has anyone ever spoken to me like that.
Sorry if that hurts your feelings. Let's go, Hank.
Don't apologize.
- You're right. - Wait. What?
This franchise lacks toughness.
I was going to wait until the season ended to evaluate the coach,
but after hearing your brutally honest, expert opinion,
it's clear we need to make a change now.
Sir, please, I-- I don't think you should be list--
Let me tell you something, Sales Guy.
I didn't get rich by playing it safe.
I got rich by having a rich grandfather...
who knew when to trust his gut.
How'd you like to be the next coach of the Philadelphia Eagles?
Oh hell yeah. When do I start?
Right now. Gotta be bold right?
What the hell is going on?
Yo how cool is this Hank? Okay this ring?
Best purchase ever okay.
I'm about to be the coach of the Eagles.
You sure you know how to be a Head Coach?
Oh absolutely.
They got a million assistant coaches that do all the real work.
All the head coach does
is just run up and down the sidelines yelling crap.
Oh man you'd be great at that.
So, uh, you think like, uh maybe I could have a role?
I'm thinking like, uh, I don't know, mascot or something?
I don't know, Hank.
I run a meritocracy here, okay?
Yeah okay.
Tell you what, you can be the backup mascot.
But if you wanna start, you gotta earn it.
Oh gee thanks Mark! I won't let you down.
You better not because there's no losers on my staff.
Now let's go kick some Giants ass!
Ok guys. Culture change, okay?
We're bringing back an old-school mentality.
It's all about physical and mental toughness. You got that?
Uh...who the hell are you?
I'm Mark Hoagies. Your new head coach.
Uh... okay.
Well, I just need a play.
Okay, yeah just uh...
Do the one where you, I don't know, run the ball up the middle.
Whatever it's called.
Uh, it's fourth and fifteen.
I don't give a damn if it's fourth and fifty million miles.
You pound that fricken' rock pal.
And it looks like the Eagles are lining up in a power formation.
Are they going for this?
Maybe trying to get the Giants to jump offside?
Oh my god. They're actually doing it.
And... it's a first down Eagles!
What a play call.
I don't know who this new coach is
but he has got balls the size of the liberty bell.
Nice job boys. Let's run it again.
Uh... Okaaay.
Another run,
and this time they're stopped for a one yard gain.
Run it again. Let's go.
Uh... Coach, maybe we wanna try something else?
Uh uh uh, no.
This is old school jam it down their throats football, okay?
Run it again.
And another run up the middle.
This time for no gain.
Aw, what the hell is the coach doing!?
Maybe Mark is right. This guy IS a moron.
What flavor they got today?
Oh, um, blue.
Oh yeah? That's my favorite.
Wait, me too!
So do you work around here or, uh, just hanging out?
Uh yeah, I'm actually the uh, the punter.
Oh, wow. I'm a big fan of punting.
Wait really? That's awesome.
Yeah a lot of people don't, like,
appreciate all the nuance that goes into it.
Totally. Yeah, I always love when the ball goes real high in the air.
Yes! That's my favorite part!
So what do you do?
Oh-- oh I'm the uh, backup mascot.
Oh wow. We don't even have a backup punter.
Yeah. You can't take a chance with the mascot.
Booooo! You suck!
Get out!
Will you shut up?!
David, maybe you should dial it back a little bit.
Come onnnn I'm having funnnn.
I Love spooorts!
Ugh. I can't with this fricken guy.
Go back to New York dork!
Oh yeah? What are you gonna do?
David. What would Andrea say?
Hm. Good point.
Who are you calling dork, Dork!
- Oh my god. - Oh snap!
That guy.
I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry! It was a complete mistake.
I don't even like sports!
Where are you taking me?
Oh no.
Hey, you wanna see something cool?
I can lick my shin.
Woah! That's awesome.
Oh no. What happened to Swoop?
Well, Hank, looks like you're up.
Wait what?
Aren't you the backup mascot?
Oh yeah. I just...
I feel like I haven't earned it yet.
Hank you earn it by taking it.
When you get your chance you show them why you deserve it.
Um 'scuse me. Uh I-- I'm actually the backup mascot.
Oh. Perfect. Come with me.
You got this, Hank.
Yeah. I got this.
Hey uh, call me if uh you ever need anything punted or whatever.
And another touchdown for the Giants.
This is a beatdown for the ages.
Yo this team sucks. Here-- you can take this I'm done.
Uh.
Yo Hank! Hank?
There he is.
Oh hey there owner guy.
So, appreciate the opportunity, but uh,
I'm officially announcing my retirement.
You're a liar!
There was no "Mark Hoagies" on the 2017 staff.
I knew I should have at least spent five minutes researching
before impulsively hiring you as head coach
of the multi- billion dollar NFL franchise!
Woah. You're disrespecting a Super Bowl champion!
Is that ring even real?
Uh it better be. You know how much I paid for this fricken' thing--
I mean uh-- I... how much I earned this?
It's fake.
Pfft! Okay that's ridiculous.
Oh yeah? Where's your name?
Where's my na--? What're-- what're you talking about?
Those rings have names engraved on them.
Show me your name.
Okay... well, uh. There it is. Right there. See?
Really? Your name is "Made in China?"
It's pronounced Madden Chee Nah, okay? It's Gaelic.
You're full of crap, Hoagies.
Take this clown to Eagles Jail!
Ha! Friggin' knew Eagles Jail was real!
Welp. Looks like your uh skinny buddy's going to Eagles Jail.
Eagles jail? That's a real thing?
Oh yeah. Some bad dudes down there.
Oh god. David won't last five minutes.
I gotta go get him out of there.
Okay, but you're not gonna find it.
It's in a secret spot way below the stadium.
How do you know so much about Eagles jail?
You could say I've uh, done a few stints if you will.
Well can you take me there?
Oh I can. But I gotta warn you...
I'm really drunk.
Good thing you're here today,
sadly under such unfortunate circumstances.
Just doing my job you know?
Hey this place is awesome.
Indeed. This is our Mascot and Fan Engagement Lab.
Oh cool. What's uh, what's that?
That's our prototype for an Infinite Hot Dog.
Please, help yourself.
Woah.
Let's get you suited up.
Unfortunately, our primary Swoop suit was damaged in the fall.
This is our prototype for a next generation mascot.
Now, the tech is still in beta, so be careful out there.
Fortunately, you're a trained mascot operator,
so we have 100% confidence in you.
Hows yous all doin' heh...
hey go Birds... Heh heh.
You smell like a Giants fan.
Your kind don't last long 'round here.
Oh god.
Uh listen I'm not really a Giants fan.
I'm just-- I'm just from New York!
Okay Hank. You can do this.
Alright. Here goes nothing.
Woahhh.
Ooh...Donut press.
Ohhhh... My god!
Oh geez.
Okay...Ah..
Ah...
Okay, come on.
You got this, hank.
Oh, oh, oh...
Oh, no.
Ben franklin bridge trolls!
Uh, okay, here we go.
Now this trash can, this looks familiar, I know this.
It's on wheels.
Oh yeah, I know, that's what I, uh, that's the thing
I Remember about it, yeah, so.
Hmm, which way?
Ah, I thought you said you've been to eagle's
Jail a bunch of times.
Sorry, I never remember the part where I get sent there,
Only the, uh, the part where I leave.
Wait, I know what to do.
I just walk backwards.
Wait, so you were made in a mascot lab?
Yes.
We were failed attempts at creating a fun little
Sidekick for swoop.
They combined the dna of benjamin franklin
With feral pigskin.
What they didn't know was that some of benjamin franklin's
Gout got into the mix and it made us very cranky!
Yeah!
Prepare to meet your death!
Ben franklin style!
Raise the key!
Uh oh.
If we can't be the mascot then no one can!
Damn, I thought these things were just a myth!
Yeah.
Hey, well, uh, thanks for rescuing me, uh, sorry to
Bug you during the game.
Ah, it was a blowout.
I'm glad you called me.
So, uh, whaddya say we grab a cold blue one on me?
That sounds great.
Wow, that's crazy.
I never thought about it that way.
If I were born in new york, I'd be a giants fan?
Exactly.
Wait a minute, I-- I thought people was fans of other
Teams cause they're jerks.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What about cowboys fans?
Are they just regular people too?
Yeah, even cowboys fans.
Whoa.
Hey!
Unbelievable disrespect.
Mark?
David, what the hell are you doing here?
Oh, he killed swoop.
I did not kill swoop, okay?
I bopped him with a beer.
You guys know each other?
Yeah, this is actually mark, my neighbor.
- Hello. - Hi.
Hi, mark.
Hey, david, they know you're a, uh, g I a n t s Fan, or --
Hey, we can spell!
Yeah, we know he's a glanst fan.
Come on.
Let me, uh, introduce you to the guys.
So this is bruce.
He threw a battery at eli manning.
Oh, I remember that. That was awesome, man.
This is kyle. He purposely threw up on a seven year old girl.
Guilty.
And you know that whole, uh, hitting santa with
Snowballs incident from 1968?
Of course.
Yeah, that was actually, uh, terry.
No way!
You've been in here for over 50 years just for that?
Yeah, well, they let me out in 81, and I did it again.
And then I did it again in 97, and, well, three strikes,
You're out, I suppose.
Damn, dude, you must really hate santa claus.
Oh, I do.
I really do.
So, what'd you do to end up in eagle's jail?
He coached the eagles to their worst blowout in history.
- Oh, great. - Get lost, steve.
Will you relax, hoagies.
I just came to get you out of here, baby.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
All you gotta do is kiss my ring
and apologize to all Of us legitimate super bowl champions
for making a mockery Of our prestigious fraternity.
No fricken chance, steve.
Suit yourself.
Have fun rotting in here with all these low class dirt balls.
You fit right in, hoagies.
Hey, screw you, jerk.
Boo!
Wait, wait, wait. I'll kiss it.
I'll kiss the ring.
Hey, you know what?
I'd rather be down here with you guys than up in those luxury box
Suites with those rich jerks.
I mean that's sort of a false dichotomy,
and we could also just be home.
Well, here we are.
Eric, what are you doing back here?
Oh, hey, bruce. Just helping out my friend here.
- Tammy? - David?
Oh, thank god you're okay.
Tam? What the hell?
Mark?
The hell are you doing in here?
I guess that ring really got you some first class access, huh?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. These are my people, okay?
The real old school hard nosed fans.
Oh, yeah. Like david, right?
Yeah, like david.
Oh, actually, can you take a picture of me hanging out
With my new meathead friends?
I wanna show andrea.
Okay, guys, everybody, come here.
Okay, one, two, three.
Eagles suck!
Man, this place has changed.
Oh my god, look how expensive that beer is.
I mean, how do you even get drunk?
Why don't we go grab a drink somewhere else?
Uh... Actually, I-- I'll catch up with you guys, alright?
- Okay, see ya, terry. - Bye, terry.
I guess some things never change.