This is a 100-page script.
This girl is so fond of Hindi
that she hates English.
Now she wants to be a stand-up comedian.
And I was like, Darn, stand-up!
This is like my worst nightmare.
I have a feeling there's going to be a bomb that's getting dropped.
I was talking to Ammu, she heard that I was rather flustered.
She said why don't you think about doing some sort of stand-up.
I don't know what will come out of it,
but it has stayed in my head.
It's a challenge I think.
People will want to know more about
things that have happened in her past, her relationships,
I feel that those things may break her.
Co-Presented by Only Natural Diamonds.
Co-Powered by Lotus Youth Rx.
Official makeup partner Lakme.
I spoke to Ekta, I spoke to my team, I said listen,
'What if I have to do stand-up
or do something in the comedy comic space?'
But I don't know!
I don't know.
I'm actually pretty blown away that
you have decided that
you're going to let cameras come into your house.
And also, I feel that, over the.. what?
20-22 years of knowing you,
I only know as much as you want me to know.
-Exactly! But that's how I like it. -Yeah.
I'll put out just as much as I want.
But... stand-up, Malla! That's my only fear.
You'll have to let them get beyond that.
That's my thing.
Are you willing to do it?
-Are you willing to shed it... -Strip.
-Strip that down. -Strip it!
Are you going to do it?
Because you're always walking on eggshells.
-That's serious. -Try me.
I'm serious. Try me.
I've done a little bit of stand-up.
Did you suck at it?
I really thought it was one of the hardest things
and I did make an auditorium full of people laugh because
90 percent of the jokes were on myself.
Are you willing to do that?
Are you willing to crack a joke on yourself?
Are you willing to crack jokes on people who are close to you?
Like, crack a joke on Arjun.
Crack a joke in one second.
There are funny things about him.
There are funny things about you.
I can see you are getting a sinking feeling.
Crack a joke.
Are you done?
You can't hold your head in despair during the stand-up.
Okay.
Making people laugh is really hard.
So, tell me, should I do it or not...
I know you are funny.
I know you're funny.
But more than that, you're so like,
if your mind is made up, you're not going to let go.
What is the worst-case scenario?
People won't laugh, right?
It can't get worse than that. We won't do it again.
I feel, from your tone that I shouldn't.
That it is not something that's up my street.
I'm not saying you shouldn't.
But I'm saying that be careful.
I'm showing you the mirror.
You decide your next move.
I just want to know, as a friend,
why now?
Like, why do you want to do it now?
Not now then when?
What was the trigger?
Personally, as a choice,
I have become a certain way because I'm so conscious about...
a perception, what will people say,
how will it be taken, hurting people's feelings...
You know, there's a constant battle over there.
So, I feel, I want to go against the grain for a change.
Why not?
Now, I want to do things for myself.
I want to enjoy!
I want to be able to push the envelope
and just go out there and do it.
What if you end up hurting someone?
So be it.
In the bargain, if somebody
likes it, doesn't like it, gets hurt...
I don't care.
It's stand-up. Don't they do that in stand-up?
Can't you get away with it?
Isn't there a creative license over there?
Let's see.
Well done!
I'm actually proud of you.
The point is that you've made up of your mind.
I have.
If I do this stand-up,
I will leave no stone unturned.
I know that.
-More explosive? -Yeah. Why not?
I'm ready to be fully explosive.
An explosion! Boom! Bam!
You know, you're saying this, and I see.
I'm saying it!
And then you're like...
No, no.
I know that she was going for it, and she's telling me that
I know I want to do this and I'm ready for the challenge.
And I know that she is also aware that she's
walking on eggshells.
But she's making this shift, and why not?
I mean, go Malla!
Are we going to see Arjun on this show or not?
-Yeah. We'll get to that. -Get to that.
-Let's see. -Let's see.
We'll check the report for the next day.
When the report for the next day is out...
I would've had 10 shots by then and I'll be like...
'Don't say it.'
Then again, back to centre.
-Now, let it all slide. -And I'll come back.
Okay.
Then I'm going to send you one message.
Guts.
A big one!
I say, no guts no glory.
-Super! -Yes, take the glory.
-Take all the guts too. -No guts no glory.
They won't know what's coming their way.
By the end of my whole conversation with Neha,
some of it was very conflicting.
But maybe she did tell me
in her own words that, 'You know, Malla,
whatever be the outcome, we don't know, but just go for it.'
I wonder why Ammu never answers on the first ring.
It always takes her
86 rings before she can answer anything.
Yes. How may I help you?
I've been telling you things about
some film offers that have been coming my way
and I keep saying no.
I start sweating.
I get very uncomfortable mouthing dialogues in Hindi.
I feel very strange.
I mean, it just doesn't come naturally.
I spoke to Ammu also before my car reel.
I thought she really gave me amazing advice.
So, I was like, why not speak to her again.
When she heard, she said,
'Anyway, your Hindi is terrible. This, that, I don't know.'
And after everything, she says,
I do actually have a suggestion.
I had a dialect coach before my first film.
I'm going to send him to you today.
Don't give excuses
that not today, I am busy!
I'm at home.
I'm saying send him. Now you're irritating me.
Okay, fine. Thank you. Bye.
Okay. Bye. Bye.
Fine. Are you ready to meet a Dialect Coach?
Or is your dialect as bad as mine?
Sweety, let's go!
If you can have a Dancing Coach,
if you can have a Body Language Coach,
you have an Intimacy Coach.
I mean, there are various coaches. So, there is an also...
A Dialect Coach.
So, I said, 'Okay, fine. Let's trust the Dialect Coach.'
-Hi. -Hi.
-Sir, this is Malaika. -Hello.
-Hello. How are you? -Hello.
Fine. Please, have a seat.
What is your name?
My name is Israr Ansari.
-Ishrar... -Israr.
I-S-R-A-R.
-Israr Ansari. -Yes.
One of my songs is very famous.
'Zindagi Maut Na Ban Jaye Sambhalo Yaaron.'
-Oh, yeah! -It's your song?
-From 'Sarfarosh'. -Okay.
Let's start with the diacritic marks.
All three of them are here.
'Kha', 'Ga', 'Ka'.
-Okay? -What?
-What was that? -There's 'Kha'.
There's 'Ga', and then there's 'Ka'.
I'll elaborate.
If we want to say, 'khayal'.
'Khayal'.
This will be better if you understand it like this.
When we have cold and cough, a sound is created within.
This is the sound.
Very good.
Not bad.
I have cold and cough all year round.
-Now say 'Kham'. -'Kham'.
Now say it from here, 'Khham'.
-'Khham'. -Very good!
-Sorry. I'll try it again. -Well done!
'Khhayal.'
'Khhaya...'
Now say 'Khum'.
'Khum'.
For the life of me, I can't remember those words.
He said some...
He said some words. I don't remember at all.
I mean, they were really tough words.
And he said, I need to have a deeper voice.
Speak from here.
-In this... -Drink water.
In this way.
Hold on.
Now, I'll tell you about 'Ga'.
'Ga' has a sound in gargle.
Do it once.
-Can I take a sip? -Yes, go ahead.
Yeah. Exactly!
This is the sound we need.
Now you have to say...
"Gham galat galti sanam."
You're not using the diacritic marks.
I couldn't decide whether I should start laughing at myself
or whether I should actually be a good student because
I was hearing myself.
'Gham.'
No.
I sounded insane.
I don't know what I was saying.
Every word I was saying sounded bizarre.
Try again.
'Gham.' 'Gam.'
'Gham', 'Galat'.
'Galti'.
"Gham galat galti sanam."
No, no.
A bit more focus.
If you focus once, it will be done.
Keep your mobile aside.
How will you learn with that around? Keep it aside.
Oh, sorry.
While learning something,
you must be focused.
Okay?
I'm a very competitive student.
So, sitting over there and not getting it right was pissing me off.
I've come to teach you, and I will.
Tell me, a night masculine or feminine?
Is day masculine or feminine?
Day is feminine.
Day is masculine.
-Oh, okay. -The night is feminine.
Oh! The night is feminine.
Yes. It's masculine and feminine.
Oh, naughty!
But sir, on a scale of 1-10,
score me for today.
The marks I can give you for today...
Six?
I can give you three.
Sir, what...
Sir, but she was so good.
-No. -That means,
this score is way below average. -You'll have to work hard.
You'll have to work very hard.
I'll make you say all this.
Betty has got a bit of butter.
Bitter butter better be better...
Anyone can say this.
Anyone can say it.
-You say it. -Then you say it as well.
Yes.
You teach me that, and I'll teach you this.
-Okay. I'll teach you. -Okay.
He was amazing.
He was so well-versed with the language.
But I feel like I'm sinking over here.
I don't know what's going on
Let's just end this right here.
That was tough.
I have never been so deflated or demoralized in my life, Casper.
Hello?
No, I didn't realize you left.
But I asked Ekta and said let's go for a stand-up.
I know of Sumukhi.
I know she's amazing at what she does.
I've never been to her actual stand-up.
I've never seen it live.
Okay. Bye.
Bye.
The film aspect, the script,
I'm still unsure.
I still don't know whether I want to go down that road
or whether I want to take that plunge.
But the one thing that's really stuck with me
was the stand-up part of it.
I'm really excited.
This is actually homework.
You know, to see a stand-up in their own natural space,
what it is like to be,
and how to go about an entire stand-up act.
As you can see, I'm dressed as a Balloon
which you can't gift your kids.
The kids will flee and say, 'No, this balloon is too huge!'
I've entered a tad bit late.
So, I was trying to sneak in
and just quietly sit without being noticed.
Of course, Sumukhi's sharp eye and wit caught me.
We have a latecomer. A round of applause!
That's right!
But she is allowed.
She's danced on a train.
I'm sure she must be getting angry.
Whenever 'Chaiyya' is played everyone sits down.
Nobody stands up and dances.
Everyone sits and dances.
I'm sure she's frustrated that she was on top of the train,
about to fall, while the others are sitting and doing this.
Wow! She was amazing.
The way she interacted,
just the way she was, her body language.
I mean, I was trying to notice all these little things.
I think, in my head, I was imagining myself already on stage.
Thank you so much.
Because of you, I did my hair.
You're looking lovely. How nice.
I think we should meet more often...
Yeah.
because it will do this, right?
I think, this is a great segue
because that was a great line.
For me to... You want to do stand-up?
I don't know what a stand-up does.
I've watched, but it takes a lot of guts.
But your life is filled with conflicts.
I'm sure I have a lot of content which you can use.
But I don't know whether I can actually use
that content for myself, so...
It's going to be a fun ride.
And I want to help you, for sure.
Don't worry, we'll have a great time.
The first thing you do is,
speak about the most uncomfortable part of it.
Like, if it's a breakup where I have been cheated on 4 times,
I have to take that.
And I'm like, 'No, I have been cheated on 4 times, therefore
the audience is like, of course.
Some people will be like, they're bound to cheat on you.
And the other people will be like, 'Oh, poor thing.'
And the other people actually mock and laugh at you.
So, honestly, the first step,
you have to speak about things that the audience is thinking about you.
They're like, Malaika. She's divorced.
Oh, I see.
Oh Malaika... She's dating a younger man.
How dare you!
Lucky bitch!
You know, half of the world is really thinking that.
I think these are the topics we should explore.
Single mother.
Divorce.
Dating a younger guy.
Your accident, trolls.
I know exactly what we should call your bit.
The whole stand-up bit.
We should call it...
'Milf'.
You're not serious.
Can't. Not here.
Nobody takes it well.
No, no, no!
No! I was like no.
In my head, 'Not at all!'
Nothing and no one could convince me
that I would want to call my stand-up set 'Milf'.
No, no. I'm not in favour.
You have to do it.
Okay.
I was swallowing harder.
How do you address these topics in a fun way?
Anyway, I get enough of flak and I get trolled.
I can't now with this add...
But that's exactly what you are getting trolled for
because Milf’s full form for you is,
'Man, I look fabulous!'
Or maybe by the end of it,
'Man, I look foolish.'
Yeah. 'Man, I look like a fool.' Great!
See, if you get 'Man, I look like a fool',
you truly are a stand-up comic.
You should write your first diet 50.
Just by the fact that she said
Milf stands for, 'Man, I look fabulous'.
In that second over there, I was like, let's go!
Now I'm ready!
Teach me, bring it on. I can do this.
Okay, I just want to say that my hands are cold.
I just want to say that.
I'm really nervous.
Yeah, just remember this feeling.
I won't be able to sleep, I won't be able to function.
I won't be able to eat.
Welcome to stand-up comedy.
I will be in a bit of tizz. I'm telling you now.
I don't know whether I can deliver.
But I feel, I'll give it a shot.
Thank you.
-Okay? -Yes!
-I'll see you. -Yes.
Alright! Bye, love.
Bye! Thank you.
-See you soon, on stage. -Thanks for all that.
-Okay. Bye. -Bye.
Come on!
Who's going to eat some food?
Come.
You need your energy.
I have things to tell you.
I spoke to Sumukhi.
We had loads of conversations.
Many voice notes.
Late night voice recordings.
She gave me homework.
She said I've got to practice in front of the mirror.
Okay.
Hi.
Hi, I'm Malaika Arora.
Welcome to...
Hi, I'm Malaika Arora, and welcome to my stand-up.
Hi, I'm Malaika...
Hi, I'm Malaika Arora.
Welcome to my stand-up comedy.
But I sound crazy talking like this.
That moment in my head, which I've thought holding that mike and...
and talking to an audience,
all those thoughts disappeared, and all I could see was,
I don't know, just fear.
Oh gosh. Okay!
Hi everyone! I'm Malaika Arora
and welcome to my stand-up comedy.
That sounded fine.
Hi everyone. This is Malaika Arora
and welcome to my stand-up comedy.
Let's address the elephant in the room.
My divorce.
If you have to be a stand-up comic,
you should be ready to laugh at yourself.
You should be ready to joke at yourself,
you should be ready to touch upon topics that
I may not be comfortable with.
Everyone has a take on my divorce.
Do I really care?
Okay, I can't do this.
I can't.
I'm signing up for comedy, but I just hope it doesn't
turn into a tragedy. That's it.
Sumukhi and I just decided to let's meet.
-Hi! -Hello!
-Hi! -Welcome!
Because chances are that I'll forget my lines
and I'll fumble, that are very high.
I wanted to be able to feel at least comfortable there.
That's Casper.
Casper, hi.
That's Sumukhi.
Listen...
It's a daunting task.
It really is scary.
No, I don't think you should be worried at all.
I'm not inherently funny.
The standing joke in my family is,
Malaika cracks a joke once a year
when everybody laughs.
We'll put together all the mega-jokes
and then we'll make sure...
But the good thing about Milf is,
it is the beginning of the fact that we can keep it personal.
Honestly, your life is filled with conflicts.
I mean, this is...
I'm a sucker for drama!
-Exactly! -I'm a sucker for trouble.
What are the most common trolls you get?
Old.
Wow!
-What is this aggression? -Aunty.
Aunty?
Okay, that's illegal. You shouldn't be called that.
What are your actual thoughts about dating a younger guy?
Like, we don't have to really talk about dating a younger guy,
we can arrive at it. You know what I mean?
-But your angle about it. -No, but I think
one should talk about it.
-Yeah? -I mean, why not?
We should address it because...
-Yeah? -I think we should.
You know, the most spoken about topic online
is your duck walk.
And everyone is just obsessed with it.
If you address it,
then now it's no longer a troll.
It's a duck walk?
It's called a duck walk.
Let me tell you, all of these people that I know,
my friends joking about how I walk,
the way paps follow me,
imitating the way I walk,
they all have great sense of humour.
Put your hands together for Malaika Arora!
Where are you walking?
This is not Fashion India Week.
Please go back.
Walk like a person.
-That's how I walk. -No, you're
supposed to walk like you're nervous.
Now, you look like you're going to rock it!
Wait. Is this your natural walk?
Maybe not.
Okay.
Alright, ladies and gentlemen,
Malaika Arora!
Oh! Perfect! Thank you.
Keep clapping! Keep clapping!
This is your mike.
Well done! Well done!
Yeah. Great. Okay.
Hi, this is Malaika Arora.
Okay. Not a Hallmark Card. Okay, cool.
You should hold the mike...
This is very annoying. I don't like this mike.
Alright.
Can I use this mike? -You need to hold the mike
not like you are holding on to your life.
It's kind of, you're not like...
I am shitting right now.
I am...
I may look like I'm really calm and all of that,
but I'm not calm inside.
I feel I have severe acidity right now.
Everything is here right now.
Everything, it's like. I'm uneasy. I'm just so uneasy.
The one thing that's going to happen is,
people tend to speak from the throat.
-From the epiglottis. -Yeah.
But you have to speak from your stomach.
-From the stomach? -From here.
Yeah, it has to come from here. Because stomach is way better.
So, I'm speaking from my throat.
Yes.
But you don't have to get loud.
-I'm speaking from my stomach. -Yeah!
Makes no sense.
Come on!
-The only time my stomach speaks -Come on!
to me is when I'm hungry.
I mean, then where to begin?
No part of my existence in my 47 years
of my life on this earth, I haven't...
even attempted to do something like this.
This is genuinely the first time
that I'm doing something like this.
You have to go home, girl!
It was lovely having you over. Time to leave. Come on.
Tonight, is my stand-up performance.
No retakes, no cuts.
There's just too much pressure.
The stand-up thing was something that I
was just not expecting her to get into that whole one.
It is something that she's never done before.
So, a little bit nervous.
Doing stand-up comedy is no joke.
This is fucking scary!
I have to be able to make a room full of people laugh.
I'm nervous as hell!
I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, but to the world,
I'm divorced.
In fact, I think, outside my house,
the nameplate should say 'Divorced'.
I have moved on,
my ex has moved on.
When the "F" will all of you move on?
I'm also dating a younger man.
I want to thank Arjun Kapoor
for not being here tonight
because otherwise all of this would've been all about
Arjun moving in with Malaika!