Okay.
You know, Casper...
Can you be my audience?
Okay, just listen to what I have to say.
Hello. Hello.
Hello.
Greetings. Welcome.
I'm Malaika Arora...
I'm Malaika Arora and welcome to my stand-up comedy.
Casper!
You're not supposed to follow me, Casper.
All I'm asking is just be my audience. That's it.
Can you pay attention? Give me 5 minutes of your time.
Listen.
So I went Sumukhi about stand-up and how to do it,
she used a lot of stand-up lingo.
Like how...
Concentrate.
So when I met Sumukhi, she asked me...
She taught me a lot of a stand-up lingo.
She helped me figure out how to land a joke.
I mean, I can't be that bad.
When he doesn't like it,
how the hell are the other people going to like it.
I've just been too pressured.
It's like something bad is going to happen,
something weird is going to happen,
you're going to screw up, fuck up, make a mess.
You're going to embarrass yourself.
That's all I can think of.
I tried calling Arhaan.
As usual he didn't answer.
I left him a voice note that this is what I'm doing.
Hi, son.
I know you're sleeping and I don't want to disturb you.
Just wanted to let you know that tonight is the stand-up.
And I really wish you were here,
it would've been amazing. I would have...
given my right arm for you to be here with me tonight.
I'm nervous, but...
But like you said, I know I can do it.
I'll nail it. I'll kill it.
Anyway, just try and call me.
Just call me once before...
Whenever.
Whenever you wake up, just try and call me.
Okay, baby. Bye, son. Love you. Bye.
Come on, let's do this.
I finally went back to change,
to get ready for my stand-up tonight.
Co-Presented by Only Natural Diamonds.
Co-Powered by Lotus Youth Rx.
Official makeup partner Lakme.
Tonight is my stand-up performance.
No retakes, no cuts.
It is to a live audience.
Well, Malla, I'm expecting nothing less
other than from you to be fab!
The fact that she's going to do it to perfection,
I am not doubtful about it at all.
The stand-up thing was something that I was just not expecting her
to get into that whole zone.
It is something that she's never done before.
So, a little bit nervous.
Doing stand-up comedy is no joke.
This is fucking scary!
I mean, why?
Okay, I'm really...
I am blank right now.
I have to be able to make a room full of people laugh.
And these are people
who have seen enough and more stand-ups.
Probably they are all wondering what is she going to do.
How will she make us laugh. So..
There's just too much pressure.
Wow! Hello. Hello.
My name is Sumukhi Suresh.
Thank you so much for coming for this show.
I'm going to be the person who is going to suss out the room,
make you guys all warm,
not that you guys need to be
because you're here for Malaika.
Give it up for Malaika.
She's going to do stand-up!
What guts!
You tell me to dance on trains.
Fuck, I'll never! I won't even dance on a train station.
Okay.
I'm fine, right?
Looking fine?
Yeah.
Okay. How much time do we have?
Put your hands together
for your main act of the evening!
Malaika Arora!
Come on, Malla!
Malaika!
Where is she?
Nothing compares to the pressure that I feel right now.
Nothing!
This has been the most pressure.
Okay. I just want to get through to Arhaan. That's it.
I know I need to calm myself down.
And I know the only one person who I want to speak to
in this moment is Arhaan.
See that. When I want him to answer, he's not answering.
Stars don't come at the first call.
They come at the second, third, fourth!
Fourth!
It just rings. You know, he won't answer.
I just need him to answer.
That's all.
-Just to wish me luck, that's it. -Yeah.
I know.
-Yeah. -Can you hear me?
Yeah, I can hear you.
Okay. I just wanted to call you. I'm going on in 10 minutes.
I just hope and pray.
I don't make an ass of myself.
And I miss you, son.
You've got this, mom. Best of luck.
Okay, son. I love you.
Bye.
Without saying bye, he hung up.
Come on.
She's coming? Okay, cool.
She's coming.
Put your hands together, one more time, come on! Let's do this.
It is time for the main act.
The funniest, sweetest and most fucking hilarious,
Malaika Arora!
I'm sorry to do this to you.
-But get the fuck off stage. -No, wait.
So I have one last sort of gift of encouragement for you. Okay?
And as I'm South Indian, I'll say encouragement.
Play, please.
Stand-up comedy.
Hi, baby!
Let me tell you firstly, starting out,
this is already a battle you've won.
The fact that you've agreed to do this,
and you want to do this.
The fact that you want to make people laugh.
And I know you.
And I know you're genuinely one of the funniest people around
and that's because you always laugh at all my jokes.
-He's lying through his teeth! -All jokes apart.
Actually not all jokes apart,
the jokes you're going to say, please say them.
But I'll be stopping the jokes.
I know you've been afraid about the set,
about landing the lines, about learning them,
about looking into people's eyes, about not being so
conscious about cracking a joke in public or on stage.
But you got this.
And I mean, look at you.
You've always been the center of attention.
People have always looked at you.
The light has always been shining bright on you.
The world has been your stage.
You've been admired, you've been adored.
And you've done this all by yourself.
So, you got this. It'll be done as well.
And from my little experience on stage,
I've been roasted a couple of times.
In case anybody has forgotten.
I just want to tell you...
At first they'll laugh at you,
then they'll laugh with you.
Very filmy!
Once you establish the fact that
you're connected to your audience and you actually care,
and you're doing this to connect with them,
to actually engage with them,
it'll get simple.
And you know what? Do it for yourself.
You've always wanted to do this.
You've always wanted to put yourself out there
and entertain people.
This is just another way of connecting with them.
The audience has always seen your honesty
and this time they'll laugh with you,
eventually, once they start realizing
that you are actually doing it to entertain them
and make them smile.
So go have fun.
Smile. And do your best.
Malla!
That was a rather touching speech, I have to say that.
Got to get used to this first,
out of my way.
I just want to say that walk down there..
that walk was deja vu for me.
It felt like I was walking down the aisle all over again.
Fuck, that's scary!
And you were all there then,
thinking why is she doing this?
But I did it anyway.
And, you all are here yet again
thinking why is she doing this?
That's me.
I'm going to do it all over again.
Firstly, Menka, why the hell
am I dressed like Jon Snow, I don't know!
Why? Why?
It's not cold.
I'm sweating profusely.
I mean, can I please get rid of this jacket?
I can't!
Yeah.
Let's give them some latex!
-Now, we're talking! -Yeah.
I'm Malaika Arora
and welcome...
And welcome to my stand-up
comedy extravaganza
called...
Milf.
Fuck!
Dirty pervs!
See these dirty dirty pervs!
Milf stands for...
'Man, I look fabulous!'
Nice?
But in case, none of this goes well tonight,
then that show could be called, 'Man, I look like a fool.'
It can go either way, guys.
There's no telling.
Well, firstly...
Let's give it up for Sumukhi.
Who was fabulous, she's awesome. Fantastic!
Brilliant!
Tough act to follow.
Big big shoes to fill.
Thank God not those ugly clothes.
I have seen her do something
that nobody has seen her do.
I have seen Sumukhi trying to walk in high heels.
It was painful to watch.
Let me tell you, guys, I have given childbirth.
Natural childbirth.
I have pushed out a 3.5 kg baby,
but that was painful, guys!
That was painful. So, let's give it up for Sumukhi's pain.
I've learnt a lot from her.
The most I've learnt is some stand-up lingo.
If you got to do stand-up comedy,
every comic has to build their first
Tight Five. Yeah.
Right?
Tight five.
I don't know if I have a Tight five,
but I certainly do have a tight one.
Mic drop baby!
Mic drop!
Besides the Tight five,
she was screaming like a banshee.
Screaming in my ears,
'Malla! Malla!
You have to land a joke.'
Very important.
Land, you have to land it right.
When you land it, how you land it,
where you land this, land this...
Land that!
Sorry. Sorry.
I felt
like I was a pilot.
Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain.
We're about to land this joke in 20 minutes.
I can do that,
but poor Sumukhi, I don't think she land a man...
any man in the next 20 years!
No!
Jokes apart, I am, I was and I'm still
extremely nervous.
When I said I was nervous,
she said, 'Nervous?'
What are you nervous about?
You are the 'Chaiyya Chaiyya' girl.
You've danced on top of a train!
Yeah, that's right!
Moving train!
And she's right. I danced on that train
and a lot of people asked me...
How come, ma'am?
How were you so comfortable dancing on that train?
I mean...
How is that even possible?
That's because this girl
-is a Thane girl! -Yeah!
Central line, bitches! Central line!
I am from Thane!
I can still learn and try and do stand-up.
But I don't think any stand-up
is getting on top of a train,
a moving train and dancing anytime soon.
So...
Give it up for me!
You want to touch me?
Yeah, I love touching you.
I knew I'm gonna get this
You want to feel me up?
I want to move in with you.
Yeah, this girl keeps sending me nasty messages.
I want to move in with you.
When can I move in with you?
What time can I move in with you?
I'm worried about this girl. Shibani...
Your sister. No, not you babe. Your sister I'm worried about.
I really am.
I want to move in with you.
No, I just touch her tape
just touch your tape
Okay. All there? All good?
Just back up.
Put your tape in
Again shove it in?
Sound guy must be having a feel day right now.
Mic testing! Mic testing! All good?
Okay!
There are some people who I really want to thank
from the bottom of my heart,
specifically for being here.
In the house tonight, my mom is here!
Joyce, everybody!
Mom is here. And I told her, Mom,
I am going to do stand-up.
And I just hope I don't embarrass myself,
I don't embarrass you.
Mom turned around and said, Molle...
We've sat through Ammu's debut film 'Kitne Door... Kitne Paas'
for three hours!
We can sit through yours.
15 minutes, right?
15 minutes tops.
15 minutes.
Neh! How are you doing, girl?
I'm very proud of you.
Guys, you have no idea. We have history.
When you'll watch the show you'll know.
-There's a history about the show. -Girl, do it later.
-Okay, okay. Later. -Later!
Later. Bro, I'm one minute.
Calm your titties, girl!
What's with these women?
No, no! I'm very proud of you.
So are we!
Alright!
My sister is in the house! Ammu!
I love her and might I add, you're looking swelled, girl!
You're looking good!
But I mean, good genes.
Punjabi father, Mallu mother.
We are blessed.
She actually is the funny one.
She's the funny one.
True.
-Yeah! -Wow!
She's the funny one.
I'm the pretty one.
I just wanna hug you, Ammu.
I just wanna hug you
She has 'Dilli Ki Sardi'.
I have 'Munni Badnam'.
Broken many records!
Me too!
She has a rich husband.
And I am doing stand-up.
So, clearly she wins.
She wins!
Hands down, pants down, Ammu!
Okay. Last but not the least,
last but not the least...
I want to thank Arjun Kapoor.
I want to thank him
for not being here tonight
because otherwise all of this would've been all about
Arjun moving in with Malaika!
Thank you, baby, for not being here.
30 glorious years in this industry and still counting.
And after all these beautiful years,
I've managed to collect so many memories.
Memories. Amazing memories.
But yet, still I'm still known for my memlies.
But yet...
There are some who don't even remember me at all.
I don't know what the hell! Trust me, I have proof.
Oh, thank you, love. Thank you so much.
I have proof over here.
According to IMDB, very credible source,
I'm going to read out some of my credits on this source.
Bar dancer.
Wow!
New neighbor.
Sarla.
Who the fuck is Sarla?
I mean...
Sarla sounds like a lady who wakes up and makes 'poha'
at 5 AM for that ingrate husband of hers.
Marc's girlfriend.
Who is Marc?
That too, let me tell you, Marc with a 'C'.
I have no clue, Arjun baby!
I'm sorry. I have zero recollection about Marc.
I have no clue.
I've realized this country is obsessed with three things.
Mom, I'm here, baby! Mom!
You want something? I'm here.
Right in front.
I'm waiting for the wine bottle, Malaika.
Say that!
It's not coming.
See what I mean.
It runs in my family.
Alcoholism.
What are... I'm here, mom.
Look at me. You want something to drink?
What would you like? Tell me.
I've not even got a whiskey yet.
-You'd like a whiskey, mom? -That's right.
-On the rocks? -My sister would've like a wine
and my friends behind want wine.
Should I take your order, ma'am?
Because next on will be waitress.
Waitress.
We ordered for three bottles of wine,
because remember, Amrita is sitting.
Are you paying for this, mom?
No way!
We like everything free.
Free of charge.
Today's order is settled.
Sir, will you sign me?
-Already done. -Done.
Thank you so much.
Okay, where was I?
-Can somebody tell me. -3 things.
Obsessed with 3 things.
Oh, yeah!
This country is obsessed with three things.
When is the next cricket match?
When is the next episode of Koffee with Karan?
And how to age-shame women, especially me.
I mean, what can I say?
People are obsessed with my age.
Obsessed.
Have you heard what they say?
Have you ever read what they say?
Old.
Old woman.
Aunty.
Cradle snatcher.
It gets worse
These were my top 4.
And I've realized it's not because I am old.
But it is because I look like this while I'm aging.
Yes!
Yes, girl! Yeah!
Jealous!
Everyone is jealous.
Jealous!
Jealous because I'm aging like fine wine.
Baby, that wine ain't helping you.
If you're old, wear a saree.
I wear a saree, then they say,
'She is so overdressed, I didn't recognize ma'am.'
I mean, I can't fucking please everybody!
I'm not Ammu. Sorry...
Sorry.
I'm not a potato.
Ammu is a people pleaser. It's a fact. You know that.
Don't get scared. People pleaser.
But unfortunately, not only am I old,
I'm also dating a younger man.
I mean, guts.
I have guts.
G-U-T-T-S-S...
I mean, I'm ruining his life, right?
Just a PSA for everyone.
I am not ruining his life.
It's not like he was going to school
and he couldn't focus on studies,
and I told him to come with me.
I mean, every time we are on a date,
it's not like he's bunking classes.
I mean...
I didn't catch him on the street
while he was catching Pokemon.
Guys...
He's a goddamn grown-up man.
Yeah!
He's a man!
Man!
We're two consenting adults, guys. I mean,
come on!
I mean, that's the thing, unfortunately.
If an older man dates a younger girl
player...he's a player!
Full kill bro... full kill
An older woman dates a younger man,
Cougar!
All cougars!
This is not fair.
Very unfair. Can't do that, man.
-Cannot do that. -Yeah.
Now it's time.
Let's finally address the 'D' word.
What's the 'D' word?
Duck walk.
You approve, right?
Yes!
Yes! I walk like a duck.
Have you seen me walk like a duck?
Not seen Pap videos?
Excuse me, ma'am! Malaika ma'am!
Ma'am! Ma'am! Ma'am, excuse me, ma'am!
I walk like a duck man!
I mean, if I have a tight one
and it looks like a buffet table where I can serve
a 7 course meal...
then why shouldn't I walk like a duck?
Yeah!
In fact, I can walk like a duck,
cheetah, panther, dog, cat,
whichever animal I want because I give zero ducks.
Alright. Let's address
the other favorite topic. The other 'D' word Divorce.
Yeah. I'm an entrepreneur,
I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, but to the world,
I'm divorced.
In fact, I think, outside my house, the nameplate should say 'Divorced'.
That's not all.
Feeling bad for me, baby?
I mean, I have moved on,
my ex has moved on.
When the "F" will all of you move on?
When?
And I think everybody's agenda is to never ever let...
never ever let women forget
that they are divorced.
-Yeah. -Yeah!
They never let women forget that they are divorced.
I'll explain. I'll tell you.
I got full theory on this.
I'm doing Yoga, people say, ma'am...
doing downward dog, does it remind you that you are divorced?
I'm eating breakfast.
You're eating scrambled eggs
because it's messy like your divorce?
I'm drinking water.
Are you hydrating because you're crying a lot over your divorce?
I post a hot-picture.
Post-divorce look?
And I found a way to seek revenge.
That I'm going to find all married people,
find them and make them aware that they are married.
Make...
Tell them you're married.
Rub it in you're married!
Yes!
Working late?
Is it because you want to escape your boring marriage?
Going out?
Not making an effort to look good because you're married?
Calling friends over? Calling them, why?
To fill up the silence in your marriage.
Going scuba diving?
Going down the ocean?
Because clearly you two aren't going down
on each other in this marriage.
Oh my God!
Do you realize how I feel now?
This is how I feel.
Well, I don't really get it honestly.
Why? Why am I shamed?
If you're going to anyway shame me,
I'm going to fuck up so much, let me tell you.
I'm going to give everybody so much fodder.
So stop shaming me for what I'm doing now.
And get ready to shame me for everything that
I will be doing in the future, guys.
And I still...
I still will have zero ducks to give.
Because whatever happens, guys,
Man, I still look fabulous!
Thank you.
Oh my God!
I never ever thought that she could pull this off.
That's Malaika for you, man!
The minute she takes on something,
and she has to prove a point,
that girl, hats off, does it.
She has just got this reputation for being a badass.
And she was so good!
I have to say, I've seen a side to Malaika
that I've never ever seen before.
There was humor.
But there was just so much more depth
to where she was coming from
and standing for so many more
people out there.
I mean, it was mighty impressive.
There were parts where I was laughing
and then she left me thinking.
Oh, Malla! You were so good.
She had inhibitions
about going to the stage,
how to deliver the lines,
and she did a wonderful job.
Kudos!
Oh, I thought she was out of this world.
She did a fab job!
But you know what? I was confident
because whatever she takes up, she does well.
Another tick mark off my bucket list.
I can actually say yes,
I can tick mark this off my bucket list.
Everybody was there who mattered to me, but
I was really excited to share
that happiness and that excitement with Arjun
and when he called me up,
I was over the moon.
Yes.
How was it?
I think you should be asking everybody else.
But I loved your message.
Thank you. I loved the message.
It was really sweet.
Just what I needed before the show could start.
I hope you were not cracking jokes with this.
just what I needed
No! Are you trying to say that... No, please.
Thank you. Thanks for that. I missed you around, but...
Yeah, it was fun. It was great, it was lovely.
Everyone is rather...
rather impressed I guess.
I don't know. I was a bag of nerves.
I was shivering, sweating, shaking, but yeah.
Thank you.
Did you crack all the jokes on Ammu?
Ammu was my punching bag.
Thank God for Ammu.
Because if you were here, you'd have been my punching bag.
That really was a great way of encouraging me
to do something that I've never done in my life
and kind of overcome this fear of mine.
So, yeah. It felt really nice.
I've managed to do this.
I've done it.
I have a thing in my job profile.
Stand-up comic.
...that's what I said earlier in the clip also
I guess. I guess.
I have to say that.
I've got some of that humor from you, without a doubt.
Bye.
I'm getting credit on the show. I'm very happy.
It's a hit, boss!
Toodles!
Love you, bye..
He is the funny one in my life.
He makes me laugh. He makes...
He cracks all the jokes.
He keeps it light and easy. So, yeah, I guess...
Yeah, thank you.
Thank you for bringing that humor
and that
easiness in my life. Thank you.
Okay, come.
I've come to shop along with Malaika.
-How much does this cost? -This is Rs. 20,000.
-What? -What?
-Yeah. -Which brand is it?
-This is from Turkey. -Turkey!
You know what, just get for my girl gang.
-This is for Ammu. -Ammu.
We'll give Bebo this Tiger frock.
This one.
This I think we can give...
Nobody.
-Nobody. -No one.
Oh God!
This is Malaika 2.0!
The hottest creature
People love to see both of you dance.
'Chaiyya Chaiyya'. Let's do a reel together.
Why do I need to do a reel with her and dance with her?
If you girls don't want to do it, it's fine.
I have to give value for myself too.
Anyway, thank you guys. Bye.
Wait, Nora. just Wait a minute.
Nora, just hold on.
Okay.