Allahabad alias Prayagraj.
This region has produced seven prime ministers,
an "angry young man"
and two more great men.
The honourable Kashiram Narayan
and myself...
Babloo.
Kashiram Narayan is a sexy, solo-traveller type of man.
But he doesn't travel and is not sexy at all.
He's solo though.
Alone.
He misses his children a lot.
And ever since we got a Wi-Fi connection at home,
he either listens to the radio all day
or pokes his children online.
To America-settled Guddan,
he keeps giving patriotic reasons to return home.
And he keeps inviting his eldest son, Badke, from Banaras
to come over and share schemes to invest money in various ways.
And his other son, Chotke,
a renowned corporate slave in Mumbai,
gets invited to come over for jackfruits.
Babloo.
Why is the radio turned off?
You were listening to...
Although I'm like a son to him,
he has given me the post of a servant.
Babloo!
Call up Badke.
Badke and Chotke
might answer a call from the loan sharks,
but answering their father's...
hell no!
One!
Two!
-Hello? -Three!
Yes, please send the fees with your child.
What do you mean "he's gone to play cards"?
Mohini, why should I come to your house to collect my fees?
-You don't understand! -Boys, scoot!
Dad just keeps calling from different numbers.
Hello?
I heard you filed a police complaint against the developer?
Hello, who is speaking?
You dimwit, don't you have Truecaller installed?
I'll explain in simple terms.
Both funds and farts,
once let out, never come back.
That's why I'm telling you politely to withdraw the complaint.
Or I'll send the boys over
to shove a hookah up your ass
till there's smoke billowing from your mouth.
-But-- -Hey!
Bring me a hookah!
Hello...
What's Dad saying?
It wasn't Dad.
Mummy, he cheats a lot!
-He's lying. -No...
Why are you shouting? What is it?
Mummy, tell me, what is 5-3+2+2?
Tell him, Dabbu.
What is 5-3+2+2?
Speak up!
Mummy, I'm hungry. Can we eat ice cream?
Great idea.
Let's eat ice cream. Order for it.
-We'll eat together-- -Sure, I'll order it.
Do you think you married a goddess with ten hands?
What do I do? Prepare the curry or run errands?
Teach him math or conduct tuition classes?
You just roam about like a prince.
Don't do any work.
Move aside.
Oh, my...
Mummy works very hard, Dad.
Dad, you don't do anything.
You'll get a tight slap from me.
Scoot! Go on!
I don't care.
We have a deal. You've signed on it.
-But I-- -Look...
if we want to maintain this relationship,
then such shady negotiation tactics won't work, okay?
I didn't say any such thing, man!
You did, and I know that you always say such things.
Don't waste my time, man!
Here, take some free coriander and go away.
Now you've learnt your lesson. Don't you dare negotiate with me.
I'm upper management.
Hello, boss. Job's done.
Don't worry. I'll drop it home.
What curry do we make today?
Yesterday, we did red lentils.
Boss, reminder!
Your brother-in-law is visiting today,
and he loves red lentils.
No, don't worry, sir.
I've already booked his return tickets. Yes, sir.
The children aren't visiting anytime soon.
So, Dad is either humming tunes all day
or racking his brains
to come up with new plans to make his children visit him.
Babloo!
Where's the cardiac ward? Where's the emergency ward?
Later. Where did you buy the bananas?
How many times have I told you
to wash your hands after chopping garlic?
I'm dying of stress and you're bothered about the smell of garlic.
Mr. Kashiram, nothing serious. It was just gas.
Oh, Doctor,
Babloo must have fed me something rotten.
I'm looking to replace him.
Let me know if you have any references.
All right, I'll prescribe a few things.
Please get it from the market.
-A helper? -No, the medicines.
And then I'll send you home. You'll be discharged.
No, Doctor. Don't discharge me so early.
Let me stay for a few days.
If I stay here,
the hospital environment will help me stay strong.
Why are you adding to your expenses?
Don't worry about the money, Doctor.
I'm thinking about you, about the hospital.
If I die, the hospital's and your reputation will be tainted.
If I die, the cops will take you away
and there will be debates on the news.
"Doctor or murderer! Doctor or murderer!"
All right, you can stay here.
Please order these medicines.
Keep it aside and quickly take my selfie.
-Selfie? -Yes.
Forget it, sir.
I heard a wonderful new story.
-Wanna hear? -Yes.
There was once a cowherd in a village.
One day the cowherd said,
"There's wolf! There's wolf!"
I've heard this story, and I know the moral of it too.
What's your point?
Sir, the point is
you keep making your children come over
by pretending to be on your deathbed,
but you don't die even once.
Are you waiting for me to die?
Not at all, sir! May your enemies die, not you.
But the day you actually have to go to heaven,
I'm telling you, nobody will come to you then.
Why won't they? Guddan will come.
Both my sons will come.
My Shishupal and Mahipal will come.
They definitely will.
Why are you acting like a damsel in distress, sir?
Does it feel good?
Even if they all come down,
you know that the brothers won't lift your coffin together.
If the elder one lifts it, the younger one won't touch it.
And if the younger one lifts it, the elder one will just walk away.
I'll have to lift your coffin alone like some sort of Superman.
-It'll look ridiculous. Very bad. -Are you their father or am I?
I know them. They'll come down and do everything as per custom.
Click a good selfie of mine quickly.
All these machines should be visible.
You make me do ridiculous things, sir.
One from here; take a video from this side.
And one with a cloth on my face.
There's not enough memory.
You expect the features of an iPhone in a Rs. 2,000 phone.
Stay put.
Hey, what are you doing here?
Can't I meet my girlfriend?
Yeah, you can. You seem happy.
How did it go?
I met Ben. I've explained about our start-up idea.
-Okay. -And guess what?
-What? -He's ready to fund it.
The whole thing?
No way!
That's awesome!
I'm so proud of you.
But...
-But? There's a "but"? -Yeah.
He wants to meet you tomorrow to take things forward.
Yeah, okay, I'll meet him.
I'm your business partner, I want to meet him.
Perfect.
I'll tell him tomorrow at 8:30 for dinner?
-At The Plaza? -Okay.
Wear a sexy dress and your best smile.
You're not coming?
He wants to meet you alone.
Think about it.
That's okay, Mandy.
Thanks, Sarah.
What sort of love is this?
-Hello? -Can all three of you hear me?
Yes, Babloo.
The four of us are on a conference call.
This is something important. Dad's in the hospital.
-What? -What happened to Dad?
-I don't believe it. -Air is unable to enter his nose.
-Again? -I sent you an amazing photo!
Pull your phones out. Check it.
What difference will that make?
You're not telling us what the illness is.
Old age.
Old age is a disease in itself. The doctor said so just now.
Babloo, I'll slap you.
Old age is not a disease.
Okay, then don't come down.
Sir told me it was his dying wish to see his children.
But it's fine if you don't want to. Enjoy yourself. I'll manage here.
Tell Dad that I'm booking my tickets right away.
Yes, one more thing.
Dad roams about wearing a new type of wig these days.
Don't mock him about it.
-Hello. -So?
So?
This Babloo...
-What do I say? -So, are you going?
I have work. I'll finish it and leave.
-You work so hard? -Yes, of course.
Girish saw you work hard.
Buying vegetables and fruits for your boss.
At least I have a job.
I'm the boss's personal assistant.
Like Babloo is to Dad.
Just tell me if are you going or not.
I'll see.
Okay, then I'll see too.
Wait and watch, he'll not visit.
Brother! Brother!
Ashok!
-Yes, tell me. -Recognize me?
I'm Guddan.
-No. -No?
I'd come here to eat cutlets every day
after school in 2004.
Madam, I was in my mother's lap in 2004.
But I used to come here.
And what's this?
B.Sc. first year.
This shop is a family business.
I'm also a part-time priest.
If you want any rituals performed,
let me know.
We can always negotiate the charges.
Keep it.
I love India.
See you.
India loves you too.
Yes!
Babloo.
Babloo!
Guddan, where were you? I've been waiting for you.
Okay.
Statue!
Where's Dad?
-How is Dad? -Well...
we'll know when we get his reports.
But since you're here, I feel that he'll be all right.
-Where's he? -Sleeping in the room.
-I'll go and meet him. -No, no, no.
-Why? -The doctor has forbidden it.
Nobody should disturb him. Let him sleep in peace.
What happened to him?
He was watching MasterChef Australia on TV.
There was a cake in it, which was wobbling like this.
He said, "Babloo, I want to eat the Heera Panna cake today itself."
-You mean panna cotta? -Whatever.
I made the cake for him. He ate it all by himself.
Cake?
Well, my taxi is waiting outside.
Please pay him Rs. 1,500.
Rs. 1,500?
You got cheated.
It includes the tip too.
It's okay, but I need to get the change first.
Should I get something to eat?
Get chewing tobacco for me instead.
Ten packets. The local ones from Allahabad.
And keep the change.
No, you're confusing sweet betel nuts
with chewing tobacco.
Radha, Meera, Chaini Chaini brands.
No, I'm not confused.
I want chewing tobacco that turns the mouth red.
And which is spat out in a dustbin.
Not on a wall.
But I haven't seen women chew tobacco--
Babloo, women do all sorts of things.
We've reached the moon.
Okay, I'll get it.
Whose bags are these? Someone can get hurt!
-This is a hospital-- -Sorry, Doctor.
Guddan?
Munna, hi!
It's been a long time.
Yes, 5 years 11 months and it's the 18th day today.
No.
-You remember? -No, no.
I was just bluffing to impress you.
Are you free?
Yes, I'm free.
-Then let's have a cup of tea. -Certainly.
I'll get the bags stored away.
Here are your ten packets of fresh local chewing tobacco.
-Here you go. -Yes, thank you.
-How are you? -I'm good.
I spoke to your father just now. He'd called.
Babloo, we're going out for some tea.
-All right. -I'll show you around the hospital.
Babloo, if Dad wakes up...
Yes, don't worry.
I heard that you have a great job and that you've settled down.
My job? You're a doctor, Munna. Wow!
America is good, but nothing beats Allahabad.
Prayagraj.
Prayagraj. No, Allahabad.
-Gupta, two cups of tea. -Yes, sir.
-Cardamom-- -With cardamom.
Okay, sir.
You remember that I prefer cardamom over ginger?
I even remember that you used to wear two pigtails.
Wore thick glasses.
Used a prepaid mobile phone and I'd pay for the recharge.
Yes!
9491255555.
You changed your number, didn't tell me.
-Actually, I'm-- -Hey, sister!
-Will you give me a sponge bath? -Hey, Sushil.
What are you doing, man?
Sorry.
Actually, I've been trying to tell you that
I'm not a doctor.
I'm a nurse.
Gupta, make it one cup.
Okay, sir.
Munna! Hey, Kanta Prasad Tripathi!
What are you doing? Nobody knows my real name here.
Munna, you're a nurse.
Yes, I know. I've been hearing that for the past five years.
No, you...
You're a nurse. You heal people.
And you wear a uniform, man!
-So? -Women love men in uniform.
This uniform?
Your work,
you like it?
Yes, I do like it.
Then I like it too.
Is it?
When are you all reaching Allahabad?
Listen, when's the car coming?
It'll come in a while.
What's the hurry?
Heard him? "What's the hurry?"
How is your husband?
He's good. He's right here.
Manju says hello to you.
How is Manju... I mean, my sister-in-law?
Convey my regards to your husband too.
Listen, Anju says hello.
Yes...
You forgot this.
He ignored it.
This matter is a bit tricky.
It's about the time when Lallaram and Kashiram
decided to become a family from friends.
So, Lallaram offered his elder daughter Anju's hand in marriage
to Kashiram's elder son, Badke.
And, as a bonus,
suggested getting the younger one, Manju, married to Chotke.
Now, Manju and Chotke, for quite a long time,
were flirting around coyly.
But when it was time for marriage,
Badke made an about-turn
and cast his eyes on Manju.
Manju was very beautiful.
I mean a princess!
Nobody could imagine what happened next.
Damn!
Nobody was particularly happy, but...
after coming second in the eighth grade,
this was the first time Guddan cried.
Dad, can I ask you something?
Yes.
Dad, will you also get me married without my consent?
Why do you say so, dear?
Anju and Manju were exchanged, but nobody sought their consent.
No.
Lalla told me that both are happy.
He sought their consent.
You know I love you a lot, dear.
Right?
Just relax, play, study, enjoy yourself.
Don't you want to go to Manipal to study? Go ahead.
Dad, I want to go to MIT in America.
Then go there. I haven't stopped you.
Dad, I'm going to study.
But don't you need a visa for that?
I'm going to Civil Lines, to Kusum's place.
Sit with me for some time. You can go later.
-The doctor said that a coma... -What?
...has been ruled out.
And?
AIDS...
Some patients in the next ward have that condition.
You can go over to meet them. It's not contagious.
What shitty suspense is this, Babloo?
-It's not contagious. -Listen, dear.
Take me from here.
I don't have wife...
-Wi-Fi is very weak here. -Dad!
You're dying! Forget the Wi-Fi.
He's not dying.
The doctor said he's stable and can be discharged.
-What? -What?
Why did we come all the way then?
All right, we'll leave then. There's some work in the office.
Yes, Dabloo has a scholarship exam. He will miss it.
Yes, I also have a special episode of Divya-Drishti.
I heard that a thousand-headed serpent emerges from the almanac.
But that episode was last week.
-Do you watch it too? -Yes.
No, I'm usually busy on weekdays.
But on the weekends, I do, what-do-you-call-it, binge...
-Binge watch. -Yes.
Okay, then I'll also book my tickets.
I have a presentation on Monday.
Anybody can make a presentation about red lentil cakes.
Why do you have to go?
Uncle, why does Dad call you a dumb duck?
Guys, I've American chocolates for you in my bag. Go get them.
I want to use the toilet.
The prices are too high.
Then you stay back, I'll leave. Anyway, I'm a dumb duck.
Come on. These kids tend to mishear things. Let it be.
No, Manju. This was a bit too much.
I'll call him a dumb duck?
Am I crazy?
Of course, I don't expect any better from you.
Kashi!
-How are you, brother? -Who are you?
What? How did this happen?
Gangaram...
God is steering the car of my life now.
No, don't say that.
You've entrusted me with such a big task.
Until that is completed,
neither will I die, nor will I let you.
Who is this? A distant relative? Should I cover my head?
No, I don't know him. Who are you, mister?
I'm Gangaram, a theatre artist.
That's fine.
But how do you know my father?
Shishu, he's my well-wisher.
-Hello, uncle. -Hello.
Well, brother...
The land you gave me to build a widowers' home,
I heard that a cement factory owner has made an offer for that land.
On our land?
Cement factory?
Look, Gangaram,
my decision is final.
Only a widowers' home will come up there.
That's it! I just wanted to hear it from you. Now I'm at peace.
I'll be able to die peacefully now.
It was a matter of Rs. 30 crore.
-When are you being discharged? -Today.
-We'll meet in the evening. -Okay, Gangaram.
All right. Bye, everybody.
Bye.
Bless you.
You book your tickets; I'll be with Dad.
No, it's all right.
I'll stay back.
No, she'll miss her episode.
No, I'll watch the repeat telecast later.
-Yes. -Daughter-in-law,
whoever wants to leave can do so.
I'll be here with Babloo
and Guddan.
I'm happy with them. I can manage.
Gangaram is also there.
No, Dad. What are you saying?
I'm here for you.
Look at you spout love now!
You were missing your TV show a moment ago.
What are you talking about?
-Listen, brother. I'll be here. -My presentation is fine...
I want to urgently go to the toilet.
Help is coming, Dad.
-Go to the toilet... -Ring the bell!
Brother, don't worry. I'll be here for two weeks.
No, his scholarship exam happens frequently...
I've been feeding you my blood for so many years,
but still I haven't been able to domesticate you.
Speaking of mosquitoes, there are two at home now.
Sir thinks that, if you sit inside a mosquito net,
you'll save yourself from the mosquitoes, but no.
I know that if mosquitoes enter the house,
they'll not leave without sucking your blood...
even if it's their own father's blood.
Purshottam?